With Jesus

My Dad passed away yesterday evening. He is with Jesus. He is no longer suffering. God was merciful and it was quick, peaceful with my mom at his side shortly after he went to sleep last night.

He was an amazing man. Always proud of me - my biggest cheerleader! He was a Godly man and an excellent example of husbandly love (married to my mom for 32 years) and an excellent example of fatherly love. I have been blessed immeasurably by having him as my father, my daddy.

Please pray for my family this week. Please pray for strength and peace for and amongst my family.

Easter 2013 with my Daddy

Granddaddy, Nana & Leland - May 2012

On the family farm in Tennessee

Leland @ 2 Months in Granddaddy's Arms

Pancakes with Santa (18 days.. )

Saturday morning we had pancakes with Santa at a local restaurant. Leland actually talked to Santa this year rather than running away in fear. We are committed to not pushing him to  sitting on Santa's lap unless he wants to because I think it's a positive that is gut reaction is not to sit on strange men's laps. We also present Santa as a fun part of Christmas that helps us celebrate generocity, but we don't tell him that Santa is real.

Leland did great getting to know Santa. They talked about feeding reindeer carrots and Leland told Santa that for Christmas he would like "presents". "Two."

A Season of Waiting (19 More Days...)

As I have said, Advent really did not have much meaning to me most of my life. We did not do Advent calendars growing up. I think maybe once we made an Advent wreath craft project at church. It wasn't really until 2010 when I had just had my positive Beta results and was waiting on my ultrasound - wondering, waiting, hoping for the little life / lives within me - that I really began reflecting on the Advent season. Since then Advent has felt like a season of waiting. Right now my thoughts and prayers are with several of you as you are in this same Season of Waiting.

Somehow, this year is different. This year I have a new perspective. This year Advent is more of a Season of Preparation. But more on that later...

Hope you have a JOYOUS weekend!

The Raw Truth (20 Days to Christmas)

I’ve been having fun posting holiday traditions on my blog and filling my facebook page with photos of Christmas decorations and such. But the truth is, I am choosing to focus on joy in the mist of stress and sadness.

My dad is not doing well. If he even makes it to Christmas, this will certainly be his last.

I am overwhelmed at times as we move forward with our second embryo adoption. We’ve had some exciting momentum (which I will share when it is finalized), but it has still been stressful.

In preparation for our second embryo adoption and hopeful pregnancy, I have been searching for a perinatologist who actually has some knowledge and expertise in the area I need. This has been harder than I thought. It’s scary and frustrating meeting with doctors who know less about a medical condition than I do. And the reality is if I were to get pregnant without an expert on hand to treat me the baby could die!

Work has been busy and I find myself under pressure to bill enough hours to not only meet my minium but to also earn extra income for our embryo adoption. Trying to take time off for the holidays has made billing hours even more challenging. I like my job, but it can be stressful at times.

I’ve been sick. Really sick. Ick.


So that’s the raw truth of all the stress and junk I am juggling. With all that I have decided to focus on the joy and magic of Christmas. I was very blessed to have a visit from a good friend last weekend who helped me decorate my home. They joy that I have found from my home being cheerfully decorated is more than I had imagined.

I share this all of you to let you know that my pretty Chiasmas pictures don’t mean that I "have it all together," but rather that through God’s grace and mercy God is showering me with joy during this season of Advent. I am choosing to focus on these gifts of joy!

Bedtime Stories (21 Days to Christmas)

Another fun way we incorporate Christmas fun into the every day is with bedtime stories. We read two books to Leland each night before bed. During the first book he is sitting up, but he has to lay his head on his pillow for the second book. With this method he does really great with bedtime. Since I set up his Advent Calendar, I also pulled out all of his Christmas books and set them on a shelf of their own. We have been picking one of our books from the shelf - our other book is usually a Curious George book!

One of the best explanations of Santa and Christmas I have found for a little one is this sweet book called God Gave Us Christmas.

Do you have a favorite Christmas book?

Books for Christmas (22 Days & Counting)

One of our Christmas gift giving traditions is for each Robert and I to give Leland a book. It can be anything each of us chooses that is special to us. As Leland grows older I look forward to passing on some of my childhood favorites to him. Last year I gave Leland the book "You Are My Miracle". It’s so precious that sometimes I still tear up reading it to him. The book reads like a poem and it oh so sweet.

Can you keep a secret?...this year, I have the companion book for it. It’s called, "You Are My I Love You".

　
You can check them out here on Amazon:

YOU ARE MY MIRACLE

YOU ARE MY I LOVE YOU

Advent Calendar (23 Days till Christmas)

Much of the fun in holiday is traditions. Robert and I have been very purposeful with starting traditions young with Leland. Our thoughts are that if we don’t start them now (or really at birth) when do we start them? So we talked a lot about what was important to us and how we wanted to celebrate Christmas with children.

Very important is how do we develop family holiday traditions that keep the focus of Christmas on Jesus. One way, for us, is using an Advent Calendar to facilitate a daily family devotional.

Last year, I found this great wooden Advent Calendar.

I also have nativity window / wall cling stickers. I cut them into individual stickers and use one sticker each day to build the nativity scene.

I also print off a daily devotional. This year I found a great one online written especially for children at Advent. I can't figure out how to load it here, but if you are interested I'd be happy to email it to you.

In each box there is a daily devotional page folded up, along with the nativity sticker, and one M&M just for fun. This was a huge hit with Leland last year and was really a blessing to our family to set aside this time together each night before Leland's bedtime.

Are you doing an Advent Calendar this year?

It’s not too late. Yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent. And in full disclosure, last year I was running late and had to scale ours down to just three weeks, but it was still rewarding and successful!

Don’t have an Advent Calendar? Consider using plain envelopes and just writing numbers on them!

Advent Countdown-to-Christmas

Today is the first Sunday of Advent. Growing up Advent wasn't a favorite time for me. Really, I took only minimal notice of this season of the church. Christmas wasn't even my favorite holiday as a child!

My infertility journey has given me a new perspective on Advent and it is slowly becoming one of my favorite seasons of the church year. So my plan this Advent season is to share a daily countdown with you of what Advent means to me and how our family celebrates Advent and Christmas with some unique and many not-so-unique holiday traditions, decorations, and fun.

I hope you will join me as I challenge myself to blog daily and as I share my heart and my fun with you.

Stranger’s Children

When you first got married, did you wonder what your children would look like? Did you look at your husband (or wife’s) baby photos and wonder? Did you look to your nieces or nephews and wonder if your children would look a little like that, but with your nose and ears?

I think it’s normal to wonder what your children will look like and we’ve been programed to look to our relatives for ideas of what our children will look like. There are even computer programs that will merge two photos and produce a slightly funny, slightly creepy prediction of future children’s looks.

Building our family through embryo adoption means we don’t know what our children will look like and that is completely okay. It actually doesn’t bother me at all. But I have noticed that I will find myself in a public venue, watching stranger’s children and wondering...is that what my child will look like?

So, there you have it. Now you know my secret - I stare at stranger's children. :)

Three Years!

Three years ago Leland snuggled in tight in my womb after having been frozen for ten years! God is good!

Cousins

The inlaws are in town for the weekend and we are enjoying the beautiful weather. Leland is having a blast with his cousin. Trevor turned one in September and  just started walking last month.

Weaning: The Final Chapter

In addition to being busy this month, we crossed a major milestone. We weaned.
In some ways it was harder than I expected and in others it went and as smoothly and naturally as others have described.

Bedtime on Thursday, October 10, 2013, was our last nursing session. [As I type this I find myself holding back tears]. Although I have been working towards weaning for some time now, I had no idea in the moment that night would be the last. Had I known, I may never have put him to bed.

So this is how it went. We’ve been slowly reducing the number of daily nursing sessions over the past few months. At his second birthday we were still nursing 3-4 times per day. By the beginning of October we were down to just mornings and bedtimes. This reduction was at my encouragement, not his disinterest. But all it took was a gentle encouragement and a little creative distraction.

Wednesday (October 9^th) a few minutes into nursing he asked to read another book. I seized the opportunity and said we could either read another book and then go straight to bed or we could go back to nursing. He picked the book and went to sleep that night without issue.

Thursday (October 10^th) in the morning he never asked to nurse. He woke up hungry so we went downstairs, got breakfast and did not nurse. That night ("the" night) he nursed for just 5-10 minutes and then went to bed.

Friday (October 11^th) we left for Disney World. I had been thinking this trip would be a perfect distraction and disruption of our routine. And if I was honest with myself, I knew he was ready. But I still wasn’t sure I was ready. Then, when I unpacked my bathroom bag Friday night, I discovered that my entire bottle of More Milk Plus (liquid herbs) had spilled in my bag - the bottle was empty. In that moment, I knew we had arrived. The whole trip we were so busy having fun that he never even once asked to nurse. We returned home on Monday (October 14^th) evening. I let Robert handle bedtime without me that night.

Since then he has asked a few times about nursing - mostly first thing in the morning, but also a few times at night. A simple "we don’t do that at night anymore" or "Mama doesn’t have any more milk" has satisfied him. Thankfully, he has shed no tears. He has been extra cuddly, but overall he has adjusted wonderfully.

I, on the other hand, have had a harder time than expected. For the first week or so I felt extremely anxious and a little depressed. These feeling have come somewhat from the emotional change in our relationship, but are actually much more of a physiological response. It’s what I imagine it would feel like going through detox. I’ve had difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, felt jittery, and at times sad. It caught me off guard that my emotional reaction was so sudden and strong.

Another emotional aspect of weaning relates back to my production issues. I have a strong fear that my milk will dry up and I will be unable to provide for him - representing one more failure on the part of my body to properly mother.  And, now, I’m intentionally allowing my milk to dry up. It’s an internal struggle, but one I am working through.

So, there it is. I’m both proud and sad to say - after 2 Years, 3 Months and 1 Week - we have weaned.

Busy, Busy, Busy

This month can only be summed up as BUSY! I've worked hard (billing an extra 59.7 hours) this month alone. We've also had a lot of fun! I find time to keep up reading your blogs since I can easily do this on my phone when waiting somewhere (court, doctor, etc.), but posting is another story.

This has been such an exciting month with so many successful transfers and a few births! For those getting ready to transfer or with recent bad news, you have been in my prayers.

Now...on to some fun updates!

We spent Columbus Day weekend at Disney World. We just went for three nights. We played at Downtown Disney one day and then went to Magic Kingdom for the day. We were at the Magic Kingdom for opening and stayed through the fireworks. We had an amazing time. Leland loved all the rides. One of my favorites was the Barnstormer, which is a small rollercoaster. Leland was just tall enough to ride. We sat in the front and he loved it!  We also did a little pin trading and enjoyed some tasty food.

Other highlights this month include the homecoming football game at the college where Robert works, a fall festival in our neighborhood, a few events at Leland's school, a visit with Robert's family, a downtown art event, a birthday party for a school friend, and a church potluck.

And...in EA2 news I have some very exciting updates to share once the details have been finalized. I really can't wait to share!!!

But for now, a few pictures from our busy, fun month.

Big boy out to dinner...no booster required

Playing with Daddy

My little artist!

My Fireman

Playing with Molly

Watching the "flamingos" dancers at the downtown Art Walk

Blessed

Last week I shared our budget for our second EA (embryo adoption). Bottom line we need about $10,000. We've been saving a little each month from the small income we get from renting our old house. So far we have about $1000 or so from that.

I also have the option at work to bill (work) extra hours each month and earn quarterly bonuses. My goal for the second two quarters of this year (July - Dec) is to bill 15-20 extra hours each month which will bring in about $1500 to put towards our EA.

Yet even with these two plans in place I've been overwhelmed with the prospect of saving / raising that much money. Then last week God reminded me how powerful he is and how insignificant money is when He's in control. I stand in awe. In just 48 hours $2100 just appeared....

1. I had appealed our property value with the county tax accessor's office and was on the eve of having to go for a hearing on it. I called one last time trying to avoid the hearing and they agreed to drop the value from $111K to $79K which will result in a partial refund of our property taxes.

2. I opened the mail that evening to find a check from our mortgage company - they had recalculated our escrow account and issued us a check for the excess funds.

3. At work the next day there was an envelope with a check in it from my boss. The memo line read "bonus". When I thanked my boss (and questioned him about it) he said there was an account that he was wanting to close out so he just wrote bonus checks to clear the account.

$2100 in less than 48 hours! And we are now almost half way to our goal. God is faithful. We are blessed.

NEDC here we come...

We are on the path to embryo adoption #2. Unlike last time, we are trying to take things slowly and not stress about the process. This is much easier to do with our blessing (Leland) filling our hearts and keeping us busy.

After making the calls to Bethany Christian Services and Debbie at the National Infertility Support Center, I finally called the NEDC. I was surprised when Angie picked up as I was expecting that I might get a voicemail. Angie quickly answered my questions about cost and immediately offered to put me on the schedule for our initial consult. It was at that moment that it really sunk in - we are really doing this again! We are going to the NEDC in March for our consult!!!

After speaking with Angie I have finalized our budget for the EA. The good news was that we don’t have to pay another application fee and we are only charged the sibling fee. I had wondered about the "sibling" fee since we are not going back for a genetic sibling transfer. All things considered, our NEDC costs will be about $4500 - $5000 depending on the embryo specific costs and whether or not we need assisted hatching.
　
Since speaking with Angie, I have had my initial blood work (STD screens) completed and have my Estrace script in hand to prepare for the March consult. Our hope is to start our homestudy next month. Here is our final budget:

Home Study - $1650
Open Donation Agreement - $1750
NEDC - $5000
Medication / Ultrasounds - $1000
Travel - $650

TOTAL = $10,050

Ten thousand dollars is a little overwhelming, but stay tuned and I will share how God is already overwhelming us with His blessings.

Psalm 113

Have you read Psalm 113? Do you cling to verse 9?

"He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord!"

 
I first took notice of this verse during the summer of 2010. I was attending an amazing women’s bible study group on a weekly basis. In additional to our lesson and prayer requests, we would read - aloud - though one chapter of Psalms each week. During one of the hardest and lowest point in our infertility journey, I heard this verse and felt God speak to me.

I have read this verse many times since then, now thankful for God’s fulfilled promise. But I am often left with the question, "what about the woman who wanted, but never got to have children?" Why wasn’t this promise fulfilled for her? After reading this verse responsively last Sunday in church I still don’t have an answer to these question, but I do have a new perspective on this chapter in Psalms.

1 Praise the Lord!
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord!

2 Blessed be the name of the Lord
from this time forth and forevermore!

3 From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the Lord is to be praised!

4 The Lord is high above all nations,
and his glory above the heavens!

5 Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,

6 who looks far down
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

8 to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.

9 He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord!

It’s so easy to focus on that last verse. What a wonderful promise to those of us in desperate need of hope. But, now read through it again.

1 Praise the Lord!
Praise, O servents of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord!

2 Blessed be the name of the Lord
from this time forth and forevermore!

3 From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the Lord is to be praised!

4 The Lord is high above all nations,
and his glory above the heavens!

5 Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,

6 who looks far down
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

8 to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.

9 He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord!

This chapter is full of one very clear command - Praise the Lord.

This command is not qualified by anything such as Praise the Lord ... when things are good...or...for the victories. Just simply, Praise the Lord - for everything, good or bad. Maybe you’ve studied this chapter before, but for me this was a profound realization to understand how God’s amazing promise is surrounded by the clear and powerful command to Praise the Lord.

EA #2 - Open Donation Agreement Costs

Once the sticker shock wore off regarding the home study fees with Bethany Christian Services, I called Debbie at the National Fertility Support Center. Debbie is absolutely wonderful. She walked us though our first embryo adoption in 2010 and I was so excited to call her and share the news that we were planning on returning to the NEDC for a second embryo adoption.

After a lot of catching up, I finally asked about the costs. What I learned was pleasantly surprising. Our fees will only be:

$1600 Open Donation Fee (Includes matches with 2 donor families)

AND

$150 Home Study Review Fee

This is much better than I expected. I also learned that if we needed more than two matches or if we returned for a third embryo adoption, the open donation fee would only be $900. These fees are about half the cost as those going for their first EA, which I believe to be $3000 for the open donation fee and $300 for the home study review.

With this information added to the budget, we were up to $3400 total in fees. And, having called Bethany and having called Debbie, the only thing left was to call the NEDC...

2 Years, 2 Months, 2 Weeks & 2 Days

I looked down at my breast feeding ticker on the sidebar today and realized that I had in fact been nursing for...

2 Years, 2 Months, 2 Weeks & 2 Days

As my ticker says, "Breast feeding is hard. God is faithful." One of the biggest lessons breast feeding Leland has taught me is to trust in the Lord for his provisions. My supply has always been very low. In the early months when I would struggle to provide even enough for just one day I would think about the story of the Israelites in the desert (Exodus 16). God told them to collect just enough Manna for the day and He promised to provide for them. By they got scared - and maybe a little greedy - and collected extra Manna against God’s command. The extra they had saved smelled and was filled with maggots. With this in mind, whenever I would become stressed about supply, I would focus on God’s promise to provide - day by day.

Interestingly, when Leland was about 4 ½ months, I had saved up a good supply of about 60 oz (enough for about 5 days of bottles for day care). I got bronchitis and was placed on an antibiotic that caused Leland to vomit (a lot!). By the time I realized it was the antibiotic that was making him vomit I had no idea which pumped milk was contaminated and which was not. (We had traveled to florida at the time and I had brought my stash resulting in the stash getting mixed together and me not knowing what days the milk had been pumped). In the end - I dumped 60 oz down the sink. To put this in perspective, because I only got 2-3oz per 30-45 minute pumping session, these 60 oz represented 15+ hours of pumping! But even after all of this - God still provided.

Which brings us to today. Currently, Leland is nursing 2-3 times per day. He would nurse about 5 times per day if I let him. Although a part of me will be sad to see our nursing relationship end, I believe I am ready. I would like to see him wean. Everyone tells me that he will do it when he is ready, but it doesn’t look like that will be anytime soon.

I do not want to end abruptly, but my attempts at gentle weaning have not worked. I have tried placing other activities during our nursing time, such as reading books. I have also got him excited about cow’s milk and drinking from a big boy cup (no lid) - and have tried to introduce this during our normal morning nursing session. And, I only nurse him when he asks. This worked for about 3-4 days. He actually went to bed without nursing three nights in a row. But then he caught on! He realized he just needed to ask - and he began asking to nurse several times a day.

So - I need advice - how do I encourage him to wean, without straight out denying him when he asks?

EA #2 - Building a Budget

We have begun planning our next Embryo Adoption (EA). As I write this I sense the irony of using the word "planning" for anything infertility related. Our plan is to return to the NEDC sometime next year - hopefully in the summer. Our first step on this EA journey is to make a budget. With that in mind, my first call was to our local Bethany Christian Services office.

Bethany completed our home study in 2010 so it seems to make sense to go back. We chose them originally because their costs at the time were competitive and they were connected to the national Bethany office which was handling the Open Donor Agreements at the time (this saved us a $300 review fee at the time).

The NEDC does not dictate which home study / adoption agency you use, but my though process is that Bethany may be better equipped than some others to handle the nuances of embryo adoption. I am however, interested to hear from other (especially those in GA) if they used another agency other than Bethany and what your costs were.

So here is the breakdown in costs:

$550 Application Fee +  $1600 Home Study Fee - $500 Returning Client Discount

                                      = $1650 Home Study Total

This total came with a bit of sticker shock. Our first home study through Bethany in 2010 was only $1250. To learn that their fee has increased $900 in just 3 years is crazy to me. Fortunately we will get the $500 discount, but wow!

For those who have completed a home study, is this amount consistent with what you have paid?

Lately

Life has been busy. Leland has settled back into school. Robert is setteling into his new role at work (he was promoted over the summer). I have found that as Leland is getting older I have more ability to get involved outside the home. I have recentlly accepted the position as MPO (like the PTO) President at Leland's school. I am volunteering with the middle school youth at our church. I am also finding time - some months - to attend a social event with my sorority alumnae association.

In addition to all of this, we have been having lots of fun. We spent last weekend visiting the inlaws to celebrate our nephew's first birthday. We got a special visit from Uncle Daniel with the Ambulance he drives.



Sliding with Cousin Trevor

Uncle Daniel



Uncle Daniel's Ambulance


The weekend before last, we went into downtown Atlanta for Dragon Con. Feel free to make fun of me and my geekiness. At the last minute I decided we should all dress up. It was crowded but we had a great time watching the parade, making hand pupets with the Atlanta Pupetry Arts, making a robotic hand with NASA scientists, and seeing a few celebrities. Leland also discovered PB&J sandwhiches, which he loves.

Dragon Con Parade

Batman, Batgirl & Robin!

The other big news is that Leland moved to a big boy, toddler bed. The first morning he woke up after we had made the change, Leland said, "daddy took my bed in half". It was hard for me to keep a straight face. He is doing great in his bed!

And finally, I actually do have some updates on our progress with our second EA, but I will post about that very soon. Prayers for all of you who have just transfered your little ones and for those who will in the next week or so!

The “Infertile” Fertile

Today I want to pay tribute to what I call the "infertile" fertile. She is different from the "fertile" infertile (those suffering from recurrent loss) and she is different from the infertile in that she is actually fertile. You may know her best as just your single girlfriend - the one who wants desperately to be a mom more than anything in the world.

She may be fertile, but she has no more power than us infertiles to plan and have a family on "her time" - rather, like us, she is on God’s time. To ask her "when are you going to get married" cuts through her the same as the question "when are you going to have a baby" cuts through us. To tell her there are lots of eligible men is equivalent to "why don’t you just adopt". She’s excluded from couple’s activities the way we are excluded from family activities.

And, yet, in many ways she has it harder than us. She has no partner to share in her sorrow. She feels she is two steps (husband + pregnancy) away from building her long-dreamed-of family. She prays and pleads with God just as many of us have and do.

It’s easy to overlook her longing, because she - assumably - has something we don’t have: functioning reproductive parts. Today I encourage you to show these ladies in your life grace and love. Pray for them, their hearts, their future spouse, and their future family.

~ ~ ~　

* This post is in no way meant to ignore or diminish the choice of some woman to parent alone. Rather, it’s reflective of the fact that most single woman I know either don’t want to parent alone or don’t feel called to do so. Also, just like infertility, this too can apply to men.

ICLW + 200th Post

After a several month hiatus I have joined back up with the August ICLW. If you are unfamiliar with ICLW, go here for more information. It’s really a great way to connect with other bloggers.

If you are here from ICLW - welcome. For a short recap of our journey, go HERE. Also check out the tabs at the top of the page for more information, such as my book reviews and my 30 Before 30 challenge.

As I mention above, this is also my 200^th post. Maybe I should have waited to share our Exciting News until this post? Instead, I will just share some fun blogging stats:

Date of 1^st Post: 8/4/2011
Date of 100^th Post: 6/18/2012
Total Page View to Date: 25,272
Followers: 30

I started this blog for the purpose of connecting with other embryo adoption moms. I had been following the blogs of other moms for a while, but did not feel connected. Once I stared blogging I felt the connections develop and now have many acquittances and even a few good friends as a result. And, thanks to ICLW, I even have a few blog friends outside the embryo adoption network.

Thanks for checking in!

Have I Ever Mentioned...

I hate progesterone. I don't remember feeling this way about the POI. I mean the shots were not fun, but I don't remember feeling this way emotionally and physically. It's seems to just be Provera that does not agree with me.

I want back and read through my old post and it was like it took the words right out of my mouth about how I am feeling today:

"Progesterone makes me a person I really do not like. I am irritable and just plain grumpy. [ ... ]everything anyone did annoyed me. [ ... ] I feel ill at the world right now and I don’t like it. I have so much to be thankful for and happy about that I really hate feeling so negative."

I guess the up side is that it really is just the Provera making me feel this way. And I only have to take it every few months. So, in an effort to be more cheerful, I'll leave you with this darling picture of Leland cutting is own banana:

First Day of School

Leland started back to school today. He is at the same Montessori school he started at back in January. I am excited to return to the more normal routine of the school year. As of right now there are just nine children in his class, only four of which come five days a week (the other five children just come Tues., Wed., Thurs.)

Here is my sweet boy on his way out the door this morning:

RE Appointment: “Are you going to try again?”

I had an appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday. It was mostly just a yearly check-up as he manages my hormones and monitors a few blood levels. Because I travel two hours away to my RE and my in-laws who live nearby were meeting me to help with and visit with Leland, the appointment sparked questions throughout our families of "are you going to try again?"

I’m not sure if I have made the right decision to be so forthcoming, but I have been honestly answering this question lately. The truth is....we are going to try again next year. This decision comes with a lot of emotion, both excitement and stress. And there is a lot of planning and preparation to be done. We plan to adopt embryo again through the NEDC and because we thawed all five embryos we adopted we will have to be matched again.

Robert’s mother got almost giddy when I admitted this to her. I then reminded her that even best case scenario, we are two years out from actually having another child. But I guess it’s nice to have someone who is just purely excited, not blinded by the cost and the possible risk.

Leland is front of the fertility clinic sign. He really is a miracle!

So, back to the visit with my RE:

1. He took a look at the blood work my primary care doctor had run at my physical and the only other test he wanted to run is my cortisol levels. Does anyone else’s RE / doctor monitor this?

2. He did an ultrasound. My lining is 9.4mm - having used 2mg / day of unopposed (no progesterone) estrogen for four months straight. This is a good thing for uterine health while I stay on this hormone regiment to promote breast feeding. This did not feel very encouraging in that I had trouble thickening my lining for our mock transfer and for our FET. My RE reassured me that on the FET protocol my lining will respond better next time having carried a pregnancy and having taken so much estrogen in the interim. Here’s hoping he is right!

3. My RE confirmed that I don’t have to have a gynecologist. My amazing perinatologist had agreed to keep me on for routine gynecological care. But then last Fall he accepted a faculty position teaching at Stanford Medical School. I had hoped to continue my gynecological care with the doctor who took over his practice, but when I called a few weeks ago to schedule the appointment I was told she did not do that. Considering my history with OB/GYNs, this induced an emotional melt down that I am still not fully recovered from. After much though I decided that I could avoid the trauma of a bad OB/GYN by avoiding the OB/GYN altogether. And my RE agrees that this is fine so long as my primary care doctor is willing to perform my Pap Smears (and she is!). Problem averted.

4. I asked my RE about testing my Vitamin D levels. He agreed that this is something that MUST be tested ....by someone else (my primary doctor or endocrinologist). I love my RE, but he frequently plays the "not it" game, limiting the scope of his care for me to the essentials.

5. I asked my RE about the new perinatologist who took over. What he thought of her, would I need to meet with her before I was pregnant again, etc? And I discovered that she is not in private practice on her own like my old perinatologist, she is actually part of a larger practice group associated with the local medical college. Basically, my RE is her boss. And he would be happy to have me as a patient in the high-risk pregnancy (perinatology) practice. I still think I want to meet with her at least once to be sure I am comfortable with her.

I think that sums it up. Some questions answered and some new things to look into, but a good visit overall. And you get a gold star if you are actually still reading at this point!

BOOK REVIEW: Birds of a Different Feather

I ordered Birds of a Different Feather as the same time as I ordered the book What Makes a Baby. I was so excited about this book and could not wait to receive it. Here is book synopsis for Birds of a Different Feather:

Hen and Gander are ready to start a family and hatch a beautiful baby, Gosling. Soon, Gosling wants siblings. She searches high and low. In the grass and thistles, she finds a baby duckling. She loves the new baby so much that she wants another bird to make the family complete. She soon finds a baby chicken under an oak tree. Come see how these Birds of a Different Feather make their own unique family.I was very excited to receive this book. My perception was that it would be the ideal book to explain that all families grow differently. I though it would be really great for parents who had multiple children of which had joined their family in a variety of ways - genetic children, adopted children, IVF, embryo adoption, etc. In this way, the book is unique, as most other assisted reproduction books or adoption books focus just on the one child and the one unique or unconventional way the child joined the family.

Birds of a Different Feather is a 28-page paperback book (also available in hardcover). My first impression of the book was that it is really cute. The illustration are colorful and fun - the colors actually get brighter on each page as the family grows. The barn yard theme is appealing for children. And the book is written is a catchy singsong style. I also like the subtle diversity aspect of geese parents, parenting a gosling, duckling, and chick. But that is where my positive comments end.

I really, really want to like this book. The premise is so cute and the author is an embryo adoption mother who did typical embryo adoption before going on to give birth to twins created from donor sperm and donor eggs.

Unforunatlly, I just don’t like it. My biggest issue is with some of the abandonment type language depicting how / why the duckling and chick join the family:

"What was this precious find? It was a newborn duckling whose family left him behind."

and...

"Under the oak tree, something was cracking. It was an abandoned egg that had just started hacking."

In addition to these quotes, the book also makes clear that things are brighter, better, happier the more the family grows. I worry that the idea that the family is happier with more children communicates to older children that they were not enough. The book is particularly inappropriate for a single child family such as ours in that it communicates our life without a sibling for Leland is sad.

In the end, I just can’t get over some of the language used in the book. So the book has gone up high on a shelf where Leland is unable to see it and I am undecided about the future fate of this book.

Does this language bother anyone else? Or can you look past it to the really cute story and overall message?

7th Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband. Today marks seven wonderful years of marriage. This September will be twelve years since we started dating! Here’s a picture from our honeymoon:



Honeymoon
Freeport, Bahamas
2006

Also special about today is two years ago this was Leland’s due date! We joked about really achieving the "5 year plan" when we learned Leland was due on our 5^th anniversary. Even with our inability to "plan" God reminds us of His perfect timing!

We truly are blessed and thankful for our lives together as a family!

Hair ball...Poopie....and our first potty!!!

When I woke up this morning to go get Leland out of bed I noticed there was a small object under the window in our bedroom. It was dark so I couldn’t see what it was. No doubt it could be attributed to our cat, but I still wasn’t sure what it was.

As I climbed back in bed with Leland to nurse I asked Robert to see what it was. As soon as I asked Leland crawled across the bed - he had to see it too...

ME: Can you see what’s on the floor by the window?
ROBERT: It’s a hairball. I’ll get it.
LELAND: It’s poopies.
ME: No. It’s just a hairball.
LELAND. It’s poopies.

Ahh....boys! :)

And. While we’re talking about the subject. Leland has used the potty three times (just peed) in the past week at his request. He has been asking to sit on the potty for a while now and we usually let him, but he did not really seem to understand what he was supposed to be doing while on the potty. And then finally - last Saturday (July 27) - he did it!

We’re not in full fledged potty training mode, but I guess he is getting to where he is about ready. The real question though is, am I ready?

Two Year Photos

I took Leland today for some two year photos. We got a few cute shots. Here are my favorites:

BOOK REVIEW: What Makes a Baby

As promised, here is my first book review on a where do babies / where do families come from book. I was a little hesitant about this book at first, but overall I really like it. Leland likes it too and has asked to read it several times.

What Makes a Baby is a hardcover book, measuring about 10 x 10 inches. The illustrations are colorful and intentionally generic. The people depicted are racially generic and in many cases are of generic gender. The book also sticks to the basics of reproduction, using scientifically correct terminology, including sperm, egg, and uterus.

The book starts by stating the obvious, but important fact that you can’t make a baby from nothing. It goes on to explain that to make a baby you need an egg, a sperm, and a uterus. It points out that some people have sperm, some don’t (and so forth as to the egg and uterus). These generic assertions open the door for the general discussion of boys have sperm, girls have eggs - or you can use this to explain a more personal situation, such as "mommy has no eggs."

The book shows the growth of a baby in-utero and states that sometimes a doctor decides when a baby is to be born and sometimes the baby comes on his or her own. The book then depicts both a vaginal birth and a c-section.

The book ends with a series of questions designed to encourage discussion, such as "who was waiting for you to be born?" Included with the book is a website with a 61-page reading guide to help parents facilitate discussions with their children. You can actually view the entire text of the book in the page-by-page section of the reader guide.

How applicable is the book to embryo adoption?

I found the book to be a great tool for explaining reproduction and relating it back to embryo adoption. The open ended questions in the book allow us to discuss Leland’s story and there is nothing in the book contradictory to his story.

What didn’t I like?
The book depicts an embryo, but fails to use the term embryo. Rather it refers to an embryo as a "tiny thing".

What did I like?
The book points out that "Sometime this tiny thing does not grow. And sometimes it grows into a baby (like you did.)" I think this is a great point that is often overlooked.
I also loved this explanation: "how a baby grows depends on the stories that the egg and sperm share and on the uterus the baby is growing inside of." I think it is really important to highlight that how a baby grows and develops is shaped partly by the mother’s uterus, and not just the
genetics of the sperm and egg.

Is the book graphic or "too mature"?
This a difficult question. I decided to go ahead and buy the book to see for myself. I made this decision because I have notice that sometimes books like these are published for a few years and then essentially disappear. Hopefully that will not happen to this book, but I didn’t want to risk it.

Having now read the book, I do not find it too graphic or too mature even for Leland at two years old. It may seem a little surprising to some to be explaining the ideas of sperm, egg, and uterus to a child so young, but it is hard to explain embryo adoption without first explaining embryos and reproduction. I am comfotable with the level of explanation and with the images in the book. I have, however, kept the book out of reach and only allow him to read it with me.

The book does not go into at all how the sperm and egg get in the uterus. I see this omission as a good thing. It allows the introduction of reproduction without the concept of relations or implantation.

Has anyone else read this book? What do you think?

Powerful God

We have a powerful God!

I don't talk about it much here, partially because it is in some ways a private matter and not mine place to make public. Partially because it is what it is and I don't really know what to say. The truth is, my dad is dying. He has Lewy body dementia. It is in the end stages at this point. My parents have been living with us for the past six months and he has been under hospice care for some time now.

Today he developed violent and persistent hiccuping. It lasted eight hours. Earlier in the day I prayed for him and I rubbed his feet hoping it would help the hiccups stop. The doctors prescribed him a muscle relaxer, but it didn't seem to be helping. The hiccups persisted. As I was heading towards bed my mom told me that the hiccups were getting stronger and his respirations were dropping. I went to see him.

Holding his hand as he slept I prayed, I called out to God on his behalf to stop the hiccups. After each hiccup I prayed and waited, waiting for the next one to come. As I was waiting, expecting the next hiccup I was convicted on my little faith. After several rounds of this, the hiccups continued. Then I called on the power of God. I thought back to several months ago when my dad had hurt his back so badly he could not get out of the bed. When he hurt his back I knew an injury like that would mark the beginning of the end, so I called out to God to heal him. God healed him then; in a matter of hours the pain when from excruciating to nonexistent. I focused on God's faithfulness in healing his back and I called on the power of our mighty God. And just like that...they stopped.

I cried, overwhelmed by how powerful our God is and yet so loving and caring. Tonight I am thankful the hiccups have stopped and he can sleep comfortably. God is powerful!

Even the doctor...

Leland had his two year old check up today (more on that soon). At the appointment the pediatrician asked when Leland would be getting a little sister. Really?

Then he was actually taken back by the $10K price tag I quoted him for embryo adoption. He also had no idea that IVF with donor eggs (or even adoption) could easily be $40K. If even he has no clue how can we expect anyone to get it?

Rant over. :)

Diagnosis

I have a guest post over at No Good Eggs. I am one of Kimberly’s guest bloggers while she is on vacation. My post is about my premature ovarian failure diagnosis. After I wrote the post Kimberly said I left her hanging a bit and asked for more. By the time I sent her “more” she had already left for vacation. So below…is the rest of the story.

If you are one of my readers be sure to head over to No Good Eggs for the beginning of the story.

If you are new and are here from Kimberly’s blog. Welcome!

AFTER MY DIAGNOSIS

My diagnosis came with no explanation, no treatment plan, no advice, nothing. Initially, I did not even really understand what it meant. Being a type-A personality, I am addicted to knowing all the information, uncovering all of the answers. I found myself on a mission to not just understand and treat this newly discovered diagnosis, but to also uncover the mystery of how I had never known about it.

I searched the internet. I ordered books. I referred myself to the only local reproductive endocrinologist. And I began requesting old medical records.

The reproductive endocrinologist confirmed my diagnosis and educated me about the medical risks associated with premature ovarian failure, including other autoimmune issues and osteoporosis. Meanwhile, I poured over my old medical records determined to find an answer. And the answer I found was only more confusing and upsetting.

My medical records actually indicated I had been told I have premature ovarian failure. I felt lost. How could I have been told, yet not know? Did I, still a child, just misunderstand? Did my mother, despite being a registered nurse, also misunderstand? Did the doctor say one thing and chart another? Did my mother know and just keep it a secret from me? Was no one brave enough to tell a teenager she would likely never have children?

These questions followed me for years. Not yet pursuing children, I willed myself to focus on the medical aspect of my condition. It is easier to think about good bone health than broken ovaries.

Finally – over two years later – I confronted my mother with these questions, with my diagnosis. She was shocked, stating she too never knew. Emphasizing what a crazy time in our life that was due to (unrelated) issues going on in our family. This left me with a mix of emotions. Relief that I was not the only one who did not know and that she had not been keeping a secret from me. Frustration that she did not fight harder for answers for me. Abandonment in that once again I had been the child whose issues had been deemed the lesser issues, so much lesser in fact that those issues were unmemorable, forgotten entirely.   

My diagnosis of premature ovarian failure has been a rocky road emotionally. Being “diagnosed” so young and learning of my diagnosis years before we started wanting to conceive, my journey has looked a little different from most who discover their infertility while actively and unsuccessfully trying to conceive. It is however, this journey which led us to embryo adoption and our miracle, Leland.

Babies....babies....everywhere

That second pregnancy announcement that I knew was coming finally came at the 4^th of July cookout. Knowing it is coming always helps, but it is what it is. We actually went on a long-weekend beach trip with these friends a few weeks ago and I suspected it at the time, but then started wondering since they said nothing and she didn’t have any significant symptoms. I even started wondering if maybe she was having some difficulty getting pregnant. Which brings up the point of why do we torture ourselves obsessing over other peoples reproductive habits?

This announcement is actually a third pregnancy announcement in that it actually comes on top of my cousin’s announcement from a few weeks ago. My cousin and my two friends are all due within a six week window. Overall I am not too affected, but have had a few moments of anxiety. One such came this week with a text massaged ultrasound photo. It caught me off guard in the middle of the work day. Making matters much worse was that it was a group text so my phone blew up over the next hour with responses.

I really am very happy for all of them and I am excited to meet their little ones. But something about it is still just hard.

My Very Hungry TWO YEAR OLD Caterpillar

This past Saturday we celebrated Leland’s second birthday with a Very Hungry Caterpillar themed party.

I made the caterpillar, but left the baking up to Publix

We has a house full with 24 adults and a dozen kids 5 and under. We had planned the party for the morning with the hope of having it outside, but it was just to rainny and humid. Somehow a dozen kids seems like a lot, but there were only two children (siblings) from Leland's school and the rest were family, close friend's children, and our next door neighbors children.

Love my sweet boy!

I had a really fun time and I think Leland did too! I loved that when we sung happy birthday to Leland he sung with us. And he was very excited to blow out the candles.

I had a lot of fun with the Hungry Caterpillar theme...making custom water bottle lables and planning a menu from the food in the book.

Hungry Caterpillar lacing boards as party favors!

Overall we had a great time and were blessed by great friends and family! After Leland's 2 year check up next week I'll post a full update.

TWO! + Updates...

Summer, or rather just life, has been busy. I’ve been slow posting updates, but I wanted to take a moment today to pause, celebrate, and praise God for His abundant blessings! Today, my son - my miracle - is TWO!

I will post a full two year update soon, but wanted to share some general thoughts on what we have been up to recently....

• I surprised Leland this morning - for his birthday - with balloons. After he went to bed last night I snuck in and put several balloons around his room. When he woke up this morning it was still dark so I got to go in, turn on his lamp, and see his surprise and delight He said, "oh, wow!"

Hilton Head, SC

• Two weeks ago we spent four days at the beach in Hilton Head, SC. We traveled with friends and had a wonderful time.

Digging in the sand



• Leland graduated from his rear facing car seat to a front facing seat. It has been so much fun being able to see him and talk with him while we ride. He is so cute poining out what he sees. His favorite thing to see is the "octogon" (stop signs).
• Last week my niece (14) and nephew (11) flew in to stay with us for two weeks. They will be here until next Wednesday. We have had a blast, but keeping up with a toddler and teenagers is tiring. They stay up late; he wakes up early! We took them to stone mountain on Saturday and had a great time.



Stone Mountain

• This afternoon we plan to take Leland to his first movie - Monster’s University - to celebrate his birthday.
• This weekend we are having a Very Hungry Caterpillar party to celebrate Leland’s birthday. Last night I stopped by Publix to pick up some items for the party before they went off sale. Walking into the store I realized that the only things I needed to buy were ice cream and pickles. Recognizing the irony of this, I added a few items to my store list.  

Waiting to Ride the Train (at Stone Montain)

Have a wonderful Independence Day! I promise to update more soon.