My Little Pumpkin

What I Love

I realize this week that Leland will be 4 months next week. It has made me a bit nostalgic. So I wanted to share a list of what I love right now:

1) Leland’s Morning Stretch. When I wake him up in the morning, he has the cutest stretch. He puts his hands behind his head and points his little elbows out as he arches his back and puckers his lips. Cutest thing ever.

2) Squishy baby bottom. Usually when I pick him up he is wearing a diaper, but when we are coming to or from the bath he is just wrapped in a towel. When I put my hand under his bottom to carry him his little bottom is just so tiny and squishy. It bothers my husband that I find this so cute.

3)  Leland’s Milky Face. He’s a messy eater. When he gets done nursing he has milk ear to ear and dribbling down his chin. He always looks so full and content and it makes me feel great that I can provide him such great nourishment. It also reminds me of when my milk finally came in on day four and the first time I saw milk dribbling down his face.

4) Lunch Dates. On days Leland is at the daycare I stop by for lunch. We nurse and rock and just love on each other. It’s one of the best parts of my day.

I have so much love for this little man. We are so incredibly blessed!

Baby Brain

I have had one of those weeks. I swear pregnancy brain has nothing on baby brain. I have been so forgetful this week. On Monday, I showed up for a court hearing at the wrong time. Thankfully, I was 2 hours early rather than late. Then Monday night I left my pump parts at work. Again, thankfully, I have a spare set of parts.

Wednesday night I left my entire breast pump and the milk I had pumped that day sitting in my office. I had packed it all up and had it sitting with my stuff to take home. Then, I left without it. Three days this week I forgot my lunch. And yesterday I left my hair dresser without paying her. (I stopped by today to pay her).

I have really just gotten out of sync this week. Generally, I am really efficient and it has been like one thing getting off has caused a ripple effect. Thankfully it is Friday and in typing this post I realize that even though it’s been a rough week I have solved each problem as it has come about. I am hoping that Saturday will bring an opportunity to regroup and maybe even a short nap.

Breastfeeding Inspiration from Moses

Growing up, the story of Moses was always my favorite Bible story. As a young child I could tell you the whole story start to finish, all about the burning bush, the plagues, and the parting of the sea. I remember one time at vacation bible school the teacher asked if anyone knew who Moses was. I raise my hand and proceeded to recite the story in full. The story of Moses was one that always stuck with me.

Through most of my life Moses has reminded me that sometimes God calls up for tasks that we don’t feel we are qualified for. Moses told God that he should send someone else – someone better – to free the Israelites. I never thought that Moses was telling God no because he did not want to do what God asked. Rather, I always perceived that Moses simply felt unqualified, as if there was someone else who could do a better job. I have felt this was many times in my life. I felt this was when God called me to go to law school. And its’ only now – almost seven years later – that I am beginning to see what he had planned for me. Many times in my life I have reminded myself that just like with Moses, when God calls us, God will provide us with the skills necessary to do what Gad has called us to do.

Recently I have found new inspiration from the story of Moses. I have had trouble with milk production. Actual, medical trouble with milk production. There were even a few weeks (about weeks 2-5) when we had to supplement a few ounces a day of formula. I am now producing just enough milk. I pump 4-5 times a day just to get the 12oz Leland needs while he is at daycare. I get frustrated sometimes. I get sick of the pump. I get envious of those women who have a freezer full of extra milk form just pumping once or twice per day. But then, I am convicted.

I am reminded that God provides just what we need. More specifically, I am reminded of Moses and the Israelites in the desert. God provided manna from heaven and told the Israelites to collect just enough for the day, no more. God was teaching them to trust Him. So when I get frustrated or envious, I focus on Moses and thank God for providing enough breast milk for Leland each day. It doesn’t matter that it is just barely enough, it is enough. God will provide. God will not let Leland go hungry. God is good!

DWP

Driving While Pumping. I do it. Anyone else?

I commute one hour each direction to work. And many mornings I am in court until almost lunch time. So, pumping mid-morning is often not an option. Plus, with my hands free nursing set-up (I get everything set up before I leave the house, not while driving) it’s really out of the way (I am able to buckle up normally) and it's not a distraction. It seems like a good use of time to me. It’s so discrete with my nursing cover; I’ve even pulled trough a drive through once (was that too much?). But, most importantly, I get so much milk at that time of day (about 7:30 AM). I usually get 4-5 oz in the one pumping session. The other 3-4 times I pump in the day only adds up to about 6-9 oz TOTAL (about 2-2.5oz each time I pump).

So there is my confession of the day. I just hope I never get pulled over and have to explain this to an officer.

Fifteen Weeks

My little boy is getting bigger. We measured him last week at 24 inches. I don't know his weight this week since he has outgrown our kitchen scale that only measured up to 11 pounds. Two weeks ago he weighed 11.5 pounds, so I figure he is easily over 12 pounds by now, if not even bigger. We'll find out when we go back to the doctor for his 4 month check-up on November 2.

We spent last Saturday with my husband's family celebrating Robert's brother's 25th birthday. It was a long day, but we had a really nice time. Leland is so enjoyable and just loves spending time with his Mimi (grandma), Mema (great-grandma) and Granny (great-great-grandma). He let them all hold him and love on him while he ate, played, and slept.

Leland has really enjoyed his play mat this week. He is getting better at grasping the toys to make them rattle or shake. He still loves looking in the big mirror on the play mat. Leland hasn't rolled over again, so I still haven't seen it. He is finding his voice bit by bit and chatters a bit more each day. He is sleeping and eating great. Here is a typical weekday feeding schedule:

6AM - nurse 45 minutes
9AM - 4 oz bottle at daycare
12PM - nurse 30 minutes + 4 oz bottle at daycare
3:30 PM - 4 oz bottle at daycare
6:30 PM - nurse 45-60 minutes
8PM - nurse 20-40 minutes

I worry sometimes that I am not sending enough to eat at the daycare, but that don't report that he is hungry and everything I have read says I am sending the right amount. Sometimes it is just hard when I know so few others who have exclusively breastfed while pumping after returning to work. This also affects our approach to solids. Our pediatrician told us that we would be discussing introducing solids at the 4 month visit. And so many of the babies at the daycare are eating solids at around 5 months. My mom even commented last weekend that he was watching people eat and will be ready to start solids very soon. It just doesn't feel right to me and I'm seeking support and advice (thanks Jen!).

Leland's likes right now are the mobile on his changing table, his play mat, being outside, watching fans, bath time, and looking in the mirror. His dislike are his car seat (still!) and being hot. He sure is fussy when he gets hot! He still enjoys his swing and prefers his afternoon nap to be taken in the swing:

He slumps over when he sleeps in his swing. If we prop him back up he wakes up upset and then slumps back over to sleep some more.



Leland's Baptism

Last Sunday, Leland was baptized. It was a wonderful day. My parents flew into town for the weekend and we had about 20 friends and family join us for the joyous occasion. Every time I think about committing my little miracle to God I get teary. God has blessed us so much and has not only protected Leland against the odds, but has allowed Leland to grow and thrive. Here are some photos from the baptism:

I wanted to baptize Leland sooner than three months, but we had to wait on his godmother (my cousin) to come home. His godmother is a missionary at a Christian Missionary hospital in Honduras. You can check out her blog HERE. (If you do check out her blog please don’t mention that I sent you over because I have not shared my blog with anyone in real life). Missionaries can only get travel visas and have to leave country every 3 months. She had her last “visa trip” home at the beginning of July. One of the neat blessings about Leland being born 5 weeks early is that she was able to meet him and hold him the day he was born. Had he been born on schedule she would not have met him until she returned home for his baptism. It was so wonderful that she was able to meet him. And again, it was wonderful having her home these past two weeks for his baptism.

Being surrounded by so many friends and family for Leland’s baptism was such a blessing. Leland was a doll and just loved on everyone. It brings me so much joy to see others rejoicing in our blessings. My parent stayed through Tuesday and had a nice visit with us. Here are some cute photos from Leland’s bath time that my mom took:  

Mimi Day

Today is Leland's first Mimi day. As part of our plan to only have Leland in daycare 3 or less days per week until he is six months old, my mother-in-law has agreed to keep him at our house a few days each month. My mother-in-law lives about an hour and a half away from us. We used to live only a mile away from her until last year. At the beginning of September last year I got a job offer about three hours away (actually in my home town). We were living in my husband's home town. I accepted the offer and in October we moved halfway between my new job and my husband's job. Now, we both commute an hour each way in opposite directions. At the time I accepted the job offer and we decided to move we had not yet told my husband's family about the embryo adoption. Throughout most of our infertility journey we have been very private. But, we had decided that we wanted to share the news of the upcoming transfer with his family soon. So, on a Sunday evening we went to Robert's parent’s house to share ours news - we were moving and we were trying to have a baby! Although they were sad we were moving, the news of a possible (first) grandbaby was overwhelmingly exciting.

Since Leland was born, his Mimi and Grandpa have visited frequently. We are so blessed that they are making such a effort to build a relationship with him. Everyone in Robert's family was so excited about the first Mimi day that Grandpa came too and Leland's Uncle Daniel (Robert's brother) is coming to the house after he gets off work today. I am sure Leland is enjoying his first full day with his Mimi (and Grandpa and Uncle Daniel). Here is a photo they sent me earlier today:

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling...

Leland rolled over for the first time this morning. Robert is home from work with him today and called me on my way to work to tell me Leland rolled over. Robert was playing with Leland on the bed, with Leland propped on a pillow. Leland flopped himself over off of the pillow onto the bed (this was more of falling than rolling). After flopping of the pillow, he was on the bed on his stomach and rolled over onto his back. He then gave Robert a big smile. So much for my assesment yesterday of showing no signs of rolling over soon. He is full of surprises.

I hate that I missed it but i am happy that Robert got to experience it. Better him than daycare or my mother-in-law who will be watching Leland on Friday. (Though I do like my MIL for the record). Plus, I figure daddies deserve a few firsts. Hopefully he will do it again soon!

Three Months

One minute I look at him and think, wow, he’s grown so big. The next, I remark at just how tiny he is. At three months he is weighing in at 11 ½ pounds and about 23 inches. He had his third round of shots last Friday. It was his daddy’s first time taking Leland for shots.

He is doing well going to daycare. I miss him so much, but am so thankful that he is adjusting well. I get to go nurse him every day at lunch, so we are really only apart for 3.5 – 4 hours at a time. One of the things I have learned from sitting in the daycare class room an hour a day is that if you are going to send your child to daycare, send them with the instruction to feed on demand with a general idea of how often. Everyday there is at least one child who is crying hysterically because he or she is hungry and mom sent a strict eating schedule.

Leland is eating about every 3 hours. We nurse about 6AM. He takes a 4oz bottle at about 9AM. We nurse (on days he is in daycare) and he takes a 4oz bottle at NOON. He takes a 4oz bottle about 3PM. Then about 7PM we nurse, followed by a bath, and then nursing again until he is sleepy and full. He goes to sleep about 9PM. He was getting a 2oz supplement bottle (pumped milk) after the bath, but we have been phasing this out over the last several days. Until recently, he took a 2oz supplement bottle (pumped milk) after every feeding except his first feeding of the day. Over this past weekend, each day he only needed two 2oz supplement bottles (pumped milk) each day throughout the day. He is making great progress in getting more milk from the breast on his own. I also have more confidence since I know he is growing. There is also pressure not to use up my pumped milk in the supplement bottles knowing he needs the milk for daycare.

We had his three month photos taken yesterday evening. We went to J.C.Penny again for the $7.99 deal. We finally got a picture with a bit of a grin. Also, it’s a photo of him on his belly, which he hasn’t been agreeable to take in the past.

Leland’s likes right now are the fan, the mobile over his changing table (lots of smiles about this), bath time, his frog soothie, grasping soft items (burp cloths, etc.) and spending time outside. His dislikes are being dried off after bath time, having his finger nails cut (he used to not even notice), and his car seat. He his neutral in his opinion about tummy time, but shows little interest in rolling over. We prop his arms up and he looks around. Then he lays his head down and fusses to be picked up or rolled over. If we leave him for a bit to encourage rolling over on his own, he just lays there. His leg muscles are getting stronger. He enjoys pushing up with his legs and trying to stand.

Every day, every moment I spend with him is such a blessing. I praise God everyday for blessing us with such a miracle.

My sweet boy is such a good sleeper.

Ready for the big game!

(I can't figure out how to turn my photos?)

Good doctors are hard to find...

I have a confession. Until last week, I had not had a Pap Smear in three years. I know, it's crazy. All the exams, scans, tests, and such. Sometimes it seems like a month couldn't go by without putting my feet in stirrups, but I had avoided the Pap Smear. Well, I wasn’t really avoiding the Pap. I was avoiding the OB/GYN.

In May of 2009, I had gone for a visit to my OB/GYN to discuss my hormone replacement therapy (HRT). In March of 2009, I had made the trip to the National Institute of Health (NIH) for their Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) / Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI) study. While at the NIH I had been placed on a HRT regiment. The doctor at the NIH - who had been studying POF since before I was even born - believes that his particular HRT regiment is the optimal combination for encouraging spontaneous pregnancy. He really stressed to me that if I did not get a period, I could be pregnant.

So in May of 2009, I followed up with my OB/GYN. I was concerned that the regiment was not quite right because I was not getting my period. Now, the thought of being pregnant had crossed my mind, but I was convinced it was the crazy talking. There had been plenty of other times that my mind had somehow been convinced I could be pregnant when I knew for certain I was not. When I was honest with myself, I knew it was just that my hormones need to be adjusted. Since I hadn’t had my period, my OB/GYN insisted on doing a pregnancy test. The result: POSITIVE. She did a happy dance (literally). I stared blankly at her in disbelief. She made phone calls to other OBs for advice on sustaining this pregnancy. I was still in disbelief. It was a Friday afternoon, so she scheduled a blood test for Monday morning.

I went home. In the foyer of our home, still dazed, I told my husband I was pregnant. He hugged me. All weekend, we had our little secret. We shared knowing looks. We made plans and just let the unbelievable news soak in. I consulted Dr. Goggle about the possibility of a false positive. Dr. Goggle said a false positive at the doctor’s office was practically impossible and I let myself start enjoying the wonderful news.

Monday, I had my blood test. Tuesday, I spoke with my OB/GYN office and they scheduled me for my first OB appointment on Thursday morning. Thursday morning, I sat in the OB/GYN office for the first time with all those big bellies, finally feeling like I belonged. But when I saw my doctor, she told be my blood test was NEGATIVE. She was sorry that she hadn’t had a chance to call me and that I that I had to make a trip into the office for nothing. I was ushered out the back door of the office in tears. The nurse who walked me out gave me a hug and told me to call her if I needed anything. When I called the next week for a copy of the record to take to my reproductive endocrinologist (RE), she acted like she did not know who I was or what lab record I was talking about.

I cried all summer. And my husband took the news even worse than me. My RE said that high LH levels (cause by the POF) can mimic HCG and can produce a false positive on a urine pregnancy test. So it was really was a false positive and not an early miscarriage. Still, it felt like a miscarriage. Sure, we hadn’t seen a heartbeat or felt a kick, but we’d been told  by a medical professional whom we trusted that I was pregnant. We’d begun to let ourselves dream. Making things so much harder was that was the summer that many, many of our friends became pregnant. One weekend, I found out three friends were pregnant.

I vowed to never go back to that OB/GYN. And honestly, I was scared to go see any other OB/GYN. I rationalized that Pap Semars weren’t really that important. I was not going to risk being misdiagnosed pregnant ever again. But last week, I did it. I had a Pap Smear. My high risk OB, whom I love, love, love and trust more that any doctor I have ever seen told me that I can stay on as his patient for GYN care. He will do my yearly Pap and address any GYN problems that fall outside the realm of my RE. I can finally relax, knowing that I have a competent doctor who understands all of my medical conditions. Finding a good doctor can be hard and it is such a blessing when you do.