Confession

I have a confession.

I've started setting up a nursery. Mostly because we've moved Leland into a big bed and it just made sense to set up the crib - and changing table - in what will (hopefully) be a nursery. I also, may have, bought a really cool diaper pail I found on sale.

It all makes me feel more vulnerable. Like there is more invested, more to loose if we don't succeed. Leland even announced at Easter that he had a baby bed - for his little brother to sleep in. Eek! I quickly added to his announcement, that this is "news to me".

In addition to the crib, I've also been moving everything else baby into that room. Clothes, highchair, baby toys, etc. Rather than stashed around the house in various storage spaces, the room is not officially the all things baby room. Here is to hoping that we use it sooner than later!

Oh...and bring $600 cash

I go for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning. It's at my RE's office where I have been a patient for about seven years. Despite several closer practices I drive nearly two hours to their office (we used to live close by) because I really love my doctor.

Thankfully, my RE office will file my monitoring ultrasounds and labs with my insurance. Since I've met my deductable I was expecting the appointment to cost about $30 - $40 total. But I got a call today informing me that the entire Hospital System, including all of it's associated doctor's offices will be out of network after 11:59 p.m. tonight. So....I should plan on bringing cash to my appointment, probably about $600!!!

To say I freaked out is an understatement. I contacted a friend to see who did her monitoring. I called many RE offices - they all declined to see a patient who is not already established and generally could not "establish" me as a new patient until June. I spent an hour and a half on the phone with my insurance company. I accomplished nothing.

So between my two ultrasounds prior to transfer I think our budget just went up $1000 or so. That is unless they work out the contract spat between BCBS and the hospital tonight. Prayers are welcomed.

February 22, 2015

February 22 is my dad's birthday. Had he not passed last December, he would have been 72 this year.

Back in 2012, I threw my dad a huge 70th birthday party with lots of family and friends. The primary purpose of the party was to get me and my four older sisters in the same room one last time - an accomplishment that had only been achieved once before in my lifetime and was really my dad's only wish. (To explain a bit - my sisters and I range in age by about 20 years and have three mothers between the five of us. I am the baby.)

Knowing my dad wanted all of us together so badly, the idea of a 70th birthday party was in the works for several years prior. And when I looked forward to the party, I really wanted my baby to be there too - even back when my "baby" was simply a dream and not yet a reality. Fast forward to February 2012, and my seven month old baby was in fact present - such a blessing and an answered prayer.

Sitting in church this Easter, I was thinking about my dad. Missing him on Easter (my favorite holiday). Thinking about how I missed him so much on his birthday this year. Then suddenly, I realized that next year his birthday (2/22/2015) is on a Sunday. How amazing would it be to baptize my baby on my dad's birthday. And by baby, I mean our second child. You know, the one we don't actually have yet.

To achieve this will require a miracle; an answered prayer. We will have to get pregnant in May. If we don't, this date will pass. But, if we do get pregnant in May, this date will fall about two weeks past my due date, when my little one(s) should be 4-6 weeks old. I am hopeful. I am humbling myself before God asking for this desire of my heart. And I am praying that I am not setting myself up for additional heartache if a May pregnancy is not in God's timing. 

The (almost) $18 Pill

Today, I almost paid $18.74 for this one little birth control pill. My insurance did not want to let me refill the birth control pills, having not taken the placebo pills. And although I was buying a pack of pills, all I needed was one-more-pill!!!

In the big picture of the thousands of dollars we spend to get pregnant, $18 is really insignificant. But, thankfully, the new NEDC nurse convinced my insurance to expedite their review and in the end they agree to enter an override and pay for it. Even better - today - I celebrate taking my last birth control pill.

Oh, the little stresses and little milestones of this journey.

National Infertility Awareness Week + April ICLW

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Truthfully, I’ve got nothing planned. I don’t share personal stuff on Facebook. So really, I’ve got nothing…well, nothing but a few thoughts and comments I’ll post here.

Also, today is the start of the April ICLW. I haven’t joined in since last August, so I am excited to be back and look forward to finding some new blogs this week. If you are new, check out my story. 

So I’m not sure if it’s the dawning of spring, the impending third birthday of our son, or the pheromones of actively cycling right now, but I’ve been getting the “you need to have another child” comment a lot lately.

Yesterday at an Easter lunch – my two good friends just having given birth to their second and third children respectively – I was queried by an unknowing individual who strongly stated it was my turn…what are we waiting for? To my delight, I did not have to respond – another (knowing) friend jumped in defending me. I have to say it was really nice.

As this question is asked A LOT and as we do want another child, I find my standard response is, “we’re working on it, but it’s easier said than done.” This politely says “back off, I’m infertile” and generally (after a contrite look) ends the query. Only a few dumb people press on with rude or inconsiderate comments.

Today in a group setting I encountered this again. It was me and three other moms (two of which I know have fertility issues) having an MPO exec meeting. Some comments were exchanged with a teacher who was passing though about “only children” in her class. I made a comment (maybe that was my mistake) that we were feeling picked on having only children ourselves. The teacher retorted – “you can fix that pretty easily.” None of us defended our infertility, but I did exchange a knowing look with another mom.   

I have to confess myself that I sometimes find the urge to ask the “when are you going to have kids question.” I ALWAYS stop myself. But the fact is I think it and then have to stop myself. It’s like it is bread into our southern DNA to ask this question.

Finally, in my hodge-podge of infertility rantings, I have to end with a Facebook pregnancy announcement rant. I have a friend who has implied she has struggled with infertility (endometriosis), but has not shared anything specific. She announced her pregnancy on Facebook on Saturday. I’m happy for her – particularly since I believe she has really been struggling. But, I’m in total shock that her announcement comes at only 7 weeks pregnant. Does she not know this could all come crashing down around her? And then I realize… I may be just a tad jaded.

(UPDATE: she has now taken to constant complaining about nausea and tiredness on her Facebook page....really?)  

Blessings to you all this week and thanks for stopping by….

Beginning My Cycle (NEDC here we come!)

I start Lupron today! Honestly, I can't believe it's really here. We've been working toward this for 9 months....

9 months since we contacted our donors
8 months since I called the NEDC to schedule our mock cycle appointment
5 months since I felt like we officially *matched*
3 months since I first held the signed ODA (open donor agreement) in my hand
2 months (almost) since our mock cycle appointment

And now we are here. So much of this process has felt like a side note in my life. During this time I buried my dad, had my mom move out of my house and out of state, watched my amazing toddler blossom with independence - all in addition to the everyday life of working full-time, serving at church and school, etc.

Having seen so many successes in March - including one of a dear friend - I am excited to have arrived at the beginning of my cycle. And as I type this I find myself repeating the words "my cycle," letting it sink in that it is finally here. Finally time to continue the journey to building our family.

Looking at the detailed, color-coded calendar I created to help me navigate my cycle is like looking at the next few weeks of my life through a film. Each event on my calendar is viewed through the film of what medication I will be on at what point and how that medication may effect me on each day, at each event. I am not too worried about Lupron - I don't remember it being any different than just being on birth control since birth control hormone doses are so low and I basically don't have any hormones or cycle of on my own I'm already having unpleasant symptoms. Now Estrace....makes me so, so sleepy and confused. Especially when I reach three doses a day, I could really just sleep all afternoon and through the night. And then the POI...I find myself scanning the days, ensuring Robert will be on hand for all injections. It's all so simple and so complicated at the same time.

My Cycle Calendar

So, here we are. Jumping in feet first. Trusting God's timing. Thank you for joining me and supporting me on this adventure. 

How I'm Doing

First, thank you for all your support and prayers from my last post. I really felt the power of your prayers. After offering our support and making efforts to persuade her against abortion, all unsuccessfully, we turned to her parents for help. While I stand behind my word (having promised not to tell anyone), the sanctity of life trumps my given word. I wish I could report that this went well. But, essentially she now denies being or having been pregnant (false positive she says) and I interpret this as her having gone forward with the abortion without admitting to it. Also, through all this we have learned that the number of abortions are far greater that we could have ever imagined. We are grieving. And the realities of the sin are placing wedges in relationships in the family - sibling relationships, marital relationships, and more. Please continue to pray.

In addition to all this I am still very much grieving my dad. I also find myself grieving my mother's absence in my life since she moved away after my dad died. I find it hard to concentrate at times and hard to stay organized. I feel scattered and inadequate and overwhelmed. I also find that little thoughts, little trigger give me the urge to burst into tears without notice. I'm coping, but it's hard.

Finally, I feel sandwiched between the grief of my dad dying and the stress of my upcoming transfer. I fear that a loss is more than I can take right now. I know that God will give me the strength I need and it will bring Him glory - even if I suffer a loss. I just hope I don't have to endure anymore heartache right now. I'm hopeful for a new reason to celebrate. And, even with the stress, I am excited to be starting my medication on Friday.