Stranger’s Children

When you first got married, did you wonder what your children would look like? Did you look at your husband (or wife’s) baby photos and wonder? Did you look to your nieces or nephews and wonder if your children would look a little like that, but with your nose and ears?

I think it’s normal to wonder what your children will look like and we’ve been programed to look to our relatives for ideas of what our children will look like. There are even computer programs that will merge two photos and produce a slightly funny, slightly creepy prediction of future children’s looks.

Building our family through embryo adoption means we don’t know what our children will look like and that is completely okay. It actually doesn’t bother me at all. But I have noticed that I will find myself in a public venue, watching stranger’s children and wondering...is that what my child will look like?

So, there you have it. Now you know my secret - I stare at stranger's children. :)

EA #2 - Open Donation Agreement Costs

Once the sticker shock wore off regarding the home study fees with Bethany Christian Services, I called Debbie at the National Fertility Support Center. Debbie is absolutely wonderful. She walked us though our first embryo adoption in 2010 and I was so excited to call her and share the news that we were planning on returning to the NEDC for a second embryo adoption.

After a lot of catching up, I finally asked about the costs. What I learned was pleasantly surprising. Our fees will only be:

$1600 Open Donation Fee (Includes matches with 2 donor families)

AND

$150 Home Study Review Fee

This is much better than I expected. I also learned that if we needed more than two matches or if we returned for a third embryo adoption, the open donation fee would only be $900. These fees are about half the cost as those going for their first EA, which I believe to be $3000 for the open donation fee and $300 for the home study review.

With this information added to the budget, we were up to $3400 total in fees. And, having called Bethany and having called Debbie, the only thing left was to call the NEDC...

EA #2 - Building a Budget

We have begun planning our next Embryo Adoption (EA). As I write this I sense the irony of using the word "planning" for anything infertility related. Our plan is to return to the NEDC sometime next year - hopefully in the summer. Our first step on this EA journey is to make a budget. With that in mind, my first call was to our local Bethany Christian Services office.

Bethany completed our home study in 2010 so it seems to make sense to go back. We chose them originally because their costs at the time were competitive and they were connected to the national Bethany office which was handling the Open Donor Agreements at the time (this saved us a $300 review fee at the time).

The NEDC does not dictate which home study / adoption agency you use, but my though process is that Bethany may be better equipped than some others to handle the nuances of embryo adoption. I am however, interested to hear from other (especially those in GA) if they used another agency other than Bethany and what your costs were.

So here is the breakdown in costs:

$550 Application Fee +  $1600 Home Study Fee - $500 Returning Client Discount

                                      = $1650 Home Study Total

This total came with a bit of sticker shock. Our first home study through Bethany in 2010 was only $1250. To learn that their fee has increased $900 in just 3 years is crazy to me. Fortunately we will get the $500 discount, but wow!

For those who have completed a home study, is this amount consistent with what you have paid?

ICLW + 200th Post

After a several month hiatus I have joined back up with the August ICLW. If you are unfamiliar with ICLW, go here for more information. It’s really a great way to connect with other bloggers.

If you are here from ICLW - welcome. For a short recap of our journey, go HERE. Also check out the tabs at the top of the page for more information, such as my book reviews and my 30 Before 30 challenge.

As I mention above, this is also my 200^th post. Maybe I should have waited to share our Exciting News until this post? Instead, I will just share some fun blogging stats:

Date of 1^st Post: 8/4/2011
Date of 100^th Post: 6/18/2012
Total Page View to Date: 25,272
Followers: 30

I started this blog for the purpose of connecting with other embryo adoption moms. I had been following the blogs of other moms for a while, but did not feel connected. Once I stared blogging I felt the connections develop and now have many acquittances and even a few good friends as a result. And, thanks to ICLW, I even have a few blog friends outside the embryo adoption network.

Thanks for checking in!

Disclosure

We want to actively share Leland’s story with him. We never want him to experience a big reveal that he was adopted as an embryo. We want his story to simply be something he has always known, with deeper understanding as he grows. This is easier said than done.

I think all parents must struggle with the big question of "where do babies come from?" This is a natural question I believe all children will ask at varying ages. Thus, most parents probably wait until their child brings it up to ever discuss the child’s origin and path to joining the family.

We, however, want to take a pro-active approach to the "where did I come from" question in order to lay the foundation and in order to (hopefully) prevent Leland from ever feeling like it was a secret how he was conceived. To do this I want to write him a "when I came from" book. In the book I want the book to tell specific information about our donors, our doctors, and our trip to Tennessee to "meet" him.

The problem is....I’m having trouble finding the words. I don’t quite know how to frame things or the specific words I want to use. Do I call our donors "genetic parents" or "donors" or "friends" or just by their names? Do I actually use the word "adopted"? Do I use the word "embryo" or "snowflake" or "special gift"? Every choice seems to carry with it a multitude of implications.

Lost on how to begin I have decided begin the dialog with Leland using books others have written. I have started collecting children’s books related to where do babies come from, building of non-traditional families, embryo donation, and egg donation. My hope is that I will find several of these that I like and that "fit" and that I can use the language from those books to write our own book with the specific information added into the story.

So that’s the plan.

If anyone has any suggestions in general or suggestions for books to read I welcome all the help I can get.

And, finally, I hope to post some book review here to pass along what I find.

Home Search and Family Building

I have discovered that our home search is a bit clouded with fear. Fear that we would buy a house that would somehow prevent us from growing our family.

If the house is too small, there would be no room to expand. This is a two sided fear. First, there is the fear that the home could actually be too cramped if we were to expand our family. Second, is that even if we would be comfortable with the smaller home, our home study would be denied for lack of space. If we do choose to try to expand our family we will likely choose to start on the same path as before – embryo adoption through the NEDC. We know that this route has a 30% or so chance of multiples. So when considering trying to expand our family we have to at least in a small part ask if the house could accommodate five people (if we were ever to be so blessed).

On the other hand, if we were to buy a house that is too large (and thus too expensive), this could limit our ability to save money for a future embryo adoption. Also, if we buy a house with too many projects we could find ourselves spending extra money on home improvements rather than saving. And then of course there is the typical concern for simply the cost of raising additional children.

Through recognizing that our home search is affected by fear, I have also realized that my career choices are likewise affected. Currently, my employment is though the state. I get state benefits, which include 3 weeks of vacation a year, 3 weeks of sick leave a year and protection under the FMLA for maternity leave. Although I love my job, the pay is low, there is no potential for advancement and there is no raise in sight. If I were to work for a private firm (I am an attorney, btw), I would work more hours and be paid better. And, I would have the potential to become a partner in the firm. However, I would give up the substantial leave time and would no longer be entitled to FMLA for maternity leave. I often consider my professional aspirations, but never without the question of family building in the back of my mind. More money would help us afford embryo adoption, but at what cost?

I know that balancing finances, work, and family are normal concerns for even a fertile gal. It’s just the added pressure of the home study (did you know you have to get an employer recommendation as part of the home study?), the cost of treatments, the potential for multiples, and the frequent doctor visits that complicates things.

Embryo Adoption Finalized

We finalize the embryo adoption in superior court this morning. You can read more about how this works in this post.

I was a little nervous. I chose to file the paperwork myself and serve as our attorney. I currently practice in the juvenile court where I do deprivations (child protective services cases) and delinquency (crimes by juveniles), so adoption work is a little outside my legal expertise. The judge was so sweet and Leland was a doll. It was really a great experience. So we are now even more official, with one more legal protection proclaiming us as Leland’s parents. God is so good.

Here is a photo we took with the judge: 

One Year Ago...

One year ago today, Leland was transferred into my womb. He was one of five embryos frozen in 2002. All five embryos were unfrozen, but only three survived the thaw and were transferred. We are so thankful that God blessed us with Leland. I am in awe of God’s plan for my life. To know from the beginning of time God picked Leland to be my son. Simply amazing.

In honor of this wonderful milestone I thought I would share our special song I sing to Leland. I wrote him this song when he was a few weeks old. It has the same tune and shares some words with a song I sung during college:

"I Prayed For You – Leland’s Song"

I prayed for you

Even then I believe I knew

The joys I’d share with my Leland

His whole life through

You came to me

Open arms were waiting for you

And each day I happily say

I prayed for you

This is also one year from when Aaron and Jennifer where blessed with the transfer of their twins. (We were at the NEDC the same day). And, today is also the transfer day for Kristine if you’d like to stop by her blog and share some well wishes.

10 Step Fertility Action Plan

I was sitting in the doctor’s office this week. I looked down and saw across the top of a magazine “Your 10 Step Fertility Action Plan”. I knew it was pointless, but I opened it anyway. So, here’s some fertility advice ladies:

1.  Give up vices. (caffeine, tobacco, etc.)

2. Get your home ready.

3. Exercise.

4. Go organic.

5. Eat good fats…

So the list went on, but I stopped reading. Really? These will solve your fertility problems? They are good, healthy lifestyle changes, but fertility solutions they are not. Maybe it is just to empower those ladies who have been trying to get pregnant for 2-3 months with no success. Either way, had I written a 10 Step Fertility Action Plan this is what it would say:

1. Save up $12K. (our total EA cost)

2. Locate and select EA program.

3. Complete home study.

4. Lose weight. (to offset fertility drug weight gain)

5. HSG

6. Practice abdominal injections. (lupron)

7. Become friendly with the u/s “wand”.

8. Insert the pill where? (estrace)

9. FET

10. Practice intramuscular injections. (progesterone)

But I guess this wouldn’t make for a good magazine article…

Petition for (Embryo) Adoption

We have filed our Petition for Adoption. Say what? Yep, in Georgia there is a relatively new law (2009) called the Option of Adoption Act that allows (but doesn’t require) embryo adoption parents to file a Petition for Adoption in Superior Court. (Here is the STATUTE if you’d like to read it - the new law is under Section 2).

The law itself has the policy implication of attributing life to unborn children. Because of this, when the law pass in 2009, there was a lot of pro-choice backlash claiming that the law was just a pro-life attempt to give rights to unborn children. Either way, in Georgia embryo adoptions are not simply a transfer of property anymore as we can now legally adopt embryos. The law even allows for the Petition for Adoption to be filed and finalized prior to the birth of the child. Here is an ARTICLE from the Christian Examiner about the law.

In addition to the benefits of recognizing my child as more than just an item of property transferred from our donors to us, the law offers one more legal protection to solidify us as Leland’s parents. It also provides an Order of Adoption which can be submitted to the IRS to document the adoption for purposes of the Adoption Tax Credit. I do want to note that there is some disagreement about whether or not an embryo adoption qualifies for the Adoption Tax Credit even with the Georgia law to support it. (If you are into technical legal reading, check out this LAW REVIEW ARTICLE). But, we’re willing to take the risk and see if the IRS will approve it.

Our petition was officially filed yesterday. We have a court date on December 1^st and hopefully it will be finalized on that day. And, on a final note, if any of you Georgia mamas want more info or help with this, let me know.

Mimi Day

Today is Leland's first Mimi day. As part of our plan to only have Leland in daycare 3 or less days per week until he is six months old, my mother-in-law has agreed to keep him at our house a few days each month. My mother-in-law lives about an hour and a half away from us. We used to live only a mile away from her until last year. At the beginning of September last year I got a job offer about three hours away (actually in my home town). We were living in my husband's home town. I accepted the offer and in October we moved halfway between my new job and my husband's job. Now, we both commute an hour each way in opposite directions. At the time I accepted the job offer and we decided to move we had not yet told my husband's family about the embryo adoption. Throughout most of our infertility journey we have been very private. But, we had decided that we wanted to share the news of the upcoming transfer with his family soon. So, on a Sunday evening we went to Robert's parent’s house to share ours news - we were moving and we were trying to have a baby! Although they were sad we were moving, the news of a possible (first) grandbaby was overwhelmingly exciting.

Since Leland was born, his Mimi and Grandpa have visited frequently. We are so blessed that they are making such a effort to build a relationship with him. Everyone in Robert's family was so excited about the first Mimi day that Grandpa came too and Leland's Uncle Daniel (Robert's brother) is coming to the house after he gets off work today. I am sure Leland is enjoying his first full day with his Mimi (and Grandpa and Uncle Daniel). Here is a photo they sent me earlier today:

Our Journey

Here's the recap of our journey:

1999 - age 15 - diagnosed with Oophoritis (inflamed ovaries) after 18 months of no periods. Told to take BCP and see a doctor when I was ready to have kids. Is this really a diagnosis?

2001 - started dating my husband

2006 - married

2007 - age 23 - got a real diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure. My ovaries look like raisins. Told donor egg IVF would be our only option.

March 2009 - Traveled to the National Institute of Health in Bethesda, MD for Premature Ovarian Failure study. Concluded Premature Ovarian Failure was likely autoimmune. Introduced to the option of embryo adoption.

May 2009 - "diagnosed" pregnant by my GYN. One week later - negative Beta.

December 2010 - started embryo adoption process

February 2010 - accepted with the National Embryo Donation Center

September 2010 - home study complete. Matched with 5 embryos.

November 16, 2010 - FET#1. Thawed 5 embryos. 3 embryos survived and transferred.

November 26, 2010 - POAS. BFP.

November 29, 2010 - Beta 993

December 15, 2010 - First u/s. One heartbeat.

July 3, 2011 - low amniotic fluid. Leland born at 35 weeks.

September 23, 2011 - first day back at work (more on this later)

Through this crazy journey I have found strength is God, trusting in His perfect timing. I have also found strength in my amazing husband and in the incredible group of women bloggers I follow. At times when I felt my journey wasn't progressing, reading their stories kept me going. In comparison to so many my journey has been short, but it hasn't been easy. And while having my miracle baby heals many wounds, it does not make me fertile.

Finally, a few things about me. I'm an attorney - I practice juvenile law. I have three furbabies - 2 cats and a very spoiled Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (Daisy). I enjoy traveling, sewing, baking, and kayaking - and any adventure with my husband by my side.

Welcome

Welcome! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I plan to share our embryo adoption story over several posts coming soon. But, here are the highlights.

We were led to embryo adoption through the suggestion of a doctor at the National Institute of Health. When I began researching embryo adoption there was not a lot of information available. Searching the internet I found the NEDC. My local clinic also recommended the NEDC. We began the process with the NEDC, including our home study, in March of 2010. Our trial transfer was August 2, 2010. Then on November 16, 2010, three embryos were transferred. On December 15, 2010, we saw one perfect heartbeat of our miracle boy.

Our embryo adoption is an open adoption. This blog is devoted to navigating our new life as a family of three, grown through the blessing and miracle of embryo adoption.