Weaning: The Final Chapter

In addition to being busy this month, we crossed a major milestone. We weaned.
In some ways it was harder than I expected and in others it went and as smoothly and naturally as others have described.

Bedtime on Thursday, October 10, 2013, was our last nursing session. [As I type this I find myself holding back tears]. Although I have been working towards weaning for some time now, I had no idea in the moment that night would be the last. Had I known, I may never have put him to bed.

So this is how it went. We’ve been slowly reducing the number of daily nursing sessions over the past few months. At his second birthday we were still nursing 3-4 times per day. By the beginning of October we were down to just mornings and bedtimes. This reduction was at my encouragement, not his disinterest. But all it took was a gentle encouragement and a little creative distraction.

Wednesday (October 9^th) a few minutes into nursing he asked to read another book. I seized the opportunity and said we could either read another book and then go straight to bed or we could go back to nursing. He picked the book and went to sleep that night without issue.

Thursday (October 10^th) in the morning he never asked to nurse. He woke up hungry so we went downstairs, got breakfast and did not nurse. That night ("the" night) he nursed for just 5-10 minutes and then went to bed.

Friday (October 11^th) we left for Disney World. I had been thinking this trip would be a perfect distraction and disruption of our routine. And if I was honest with myself, I knew he was ready. But I still wasn’t sure I was ready. Then, when I unpacked my bathroom bag Friday night, I discovered that my entire bottle of More Milk Plus (liquid herbs) had spilled in my bag - the bottle was empty. In that moment, I knew we had arrived. The whole trip we were so busy having fun that he never even once asked to nurse. We returned home on Monday (October 14^th) evening. I let Robert handle bedtime without me that night.

Since then he has asked a few times about nursing - mostly first thing in the morning, but also a few times at night. A simple "we don’t do that at night anymore" or "Mama doesn’t have any more milk" has satisfied him. Thankfully, he has shed no tears. He has been extra cuddly, but overall he has adjusted wonderfully.

I, on the other hand, have had a harder time than expected. For the first week or so I felt extremely anxious and a little depressed. These feeling have come somewhat from the emotional change in our relationship, but are actually much more of a physiological response. It’s what I imagine it would feel like going through detox. I’ve had difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, felt jittery, and at times sad. It caught me off guard that my emotional reaction was so sudden and strong.

Another emotional aspect of weaning relates back to my production issues. I have a strong fear that my milk will dry up and I will be unable to provide for him - representing one more failure on the part of my body to properly mother.  And, now, I’m intentionally allowing my milk to dry up. It’s an internal struggle, but one I am working through.

So, there it is. I’m both proud and sad to say - after 2 Years, 3 Months and 1 Week - we have weaned.

Nursing at 22 Months

Leland is twenty-two and a half months old and we are still nursing. Having come this far I want to record and share some of my thoughts and experiences. First, let me say that I am not a breast feeding expert. Far from it.

The question I get the most is "why". And honestly it is a question I consider myself frequently. I consider the question myself not with any doubts, but rather for the purpose of self reflection and analysis of priorities. So here is my candid list of why I am still nursing (in no order of importance):

• Leland still needs it and wants it. He asks to nurse and I am happy to provide him this need / want.
• I read an article once when I was a child that said breast feeding though age two or older provides the best defense against allergies. So I am striving to reach the two year mark based partially on a goal set for myself before I was even old enough to drive.
• Nursing provides comfort to Leland like nothing else. When he is hurt, teething, sick, or just tired, nursing soothes him. It also distracts him while I hold ice to his head to reduce the swelling on his latest bump or bruise.
• Nursing burns calories. I’d rather spend 20 minutes lounging in bed nursing Leland than 20 minutes on a treadmill.
• We’ve come so far, why stop now. I fought so hard to produce milk and still have low production, but we fought the really, really hard fight and persevered. Plus it’s one of the only "womanly" things my body has managed to do. It couldn’t get pregnant, wouldn’t give birth, but amazingly by the grace of God is producing milk.
• Nursing makes bedtime and nap time so easy. Leland can go to sleep without nursing, but it serves as such a great wind-down time and makes him nice and sleepy. Often when I put him in bed at night he is still awake, just relaxed and sleeply post-nursing.
• Only I can do it. Having had Leland in daycare or school since he was 12 weeks old there is something comforting as his mother to have something that only I can provide him. It helps to quiet the "mommy doubt".
• Breast milk is a great source of antibodies and has done an excellent job of boosting Leland’s immune system. Even though he has been in daycare since he was 12 weeks he has only been sick a few times (strep @ 7 months; mild ear infection @ 9 months; stomach virus @ 15 months; a few runny nose / head colds...and that’s it!)
• Nursing provides much needed quiet time for an active toddler and a tired mommy. It’s a way I can spend time with him and still be relaxing. It’s a way to refocus and calm him if he gets overwhelmed or overexcited at a family gathering or event.
• Nursing releases dopamine and I think I’m addicted. Seriously, I can feel that "happy hormone" release when we start nursing. By the time we are done I feel much more relaxed even if I have had a stressful day.

All of this said, nursing is hard and has its share of challenges:

• Comments and opinions from others. "Your still nursing him?"
• Blisters, sores, etc. Thankfully I don’t get them often, but they do happen. I have had a particularly bad sore recently that has hurt a lot. Even Leland notices and points out the "booboo" to me before he starts nursing.
• Kicking, wiggling, etc. Sometimes nursing looks more like a wrestling match. And a few times he has kicked me so much that I have had to stop nursing him and tell him we can only continue if he will not kick me.
• Only I can do it. Sick, hurt, tired and I’m still on deck. I’ve missed one bedtime in 22 months and all date nights, meetings, or girls nights start after Leland has gone to bed.
• "Milk, milk, milk"..."Side, side, side" as he taps my nipple walking through the grocery store. Or sometimes he just puts his hand down my shirt. It’s partially cute and thankfully he redirected easily when it’s just not a good time to nurse, but still challenging at times.

The second most common question I get is when we will stop. And the answer is that I don’t know. I’d like to make it to age two and that’s just six weeks away (eek!), but after that I just don’t know. My hope is that he will wean himself on his own sometime between 2 and 2 ½, but we will see how it goes. Any thoughts from the more experienced mom’s out there?

Bottom line...I have been blessed beyond measure to have been able to nurse Leland this long. It is truly a gift from God.

Twenty One Months



Last week marked twenty-one months for Leland. I am constantly in awe of how quickly he is growing, changing and learning.



APRIL 2012

APRIL 2013



We have seen huge leaps in communication this month. He is using verbs now on a regular basis and in short sentences. He has also started to use some "feeling" words. On Easter we were eating with plastic silverware when a piece of the fork broke off in his mouth. He got very upset and I had to help him get it out of his mouth. After it was out of his month he proclaimed through his tears, "that was scary"!

Mommy & Me Art Class

Leland has started singing on his own. He has always loved music - both singing and dancing - but now the song he is singing is recognizable. His favorite songs to sing are the Alphabet Song, the Clean Up Song, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. He loves to play with his glow worm and always seems impressed that I know the words to the song she is playing.

My BIG Boy!

Leland’s sleep habits have made a shift this month. He is now going to bed about 7:30-8 pm (about 30 minutes later than before). The wonderful result of this natural shift is that he usually doesn’t wake up most mornings until after 5am to nurse - then he is usually back to bed until 6:30-7:30 am. Although it is not technically sleeping though the night, I’ll take it! He is still nursing 3-6 times per day depending on the day. And he has made excellent progress with self feeding now feeding himself foods like yogurt and applesauce.

Sleeping :)

As for growth...I don’t have a current height or weight (I really should measure him). The four molars he has been working on for the past month or so are all the way in. He is wearing a mix of 18 months - 2T sizes. I just pulled out his newest pair of shoes - a size 6 ½.

Trampoline Fun!

Leland’s favorite toys are books, puzzles, balls, and any toy he can push (lawnmower, shopping cart, etc.) He recently discovered bubbles and loves them. Nana taught him how to blow his own bubbles and he is hooked. He is loving the warmer weather and wants to be outside all the time.



Easter Egg Hunt

Converations with Leland: 5:55 AM Edition

Leland wakes up most morning about 6:30 am. When he gets up in the morning we go to my bed to nurse, snuggle, read books, etc. Most nights he wakes to nurse between about 4-5 am. We nurse in the rocker in his room and (thankfully) he returns promptly to sleep once he is done.

Yesterday morning he woke at 5:55 am.

This was his first awakening since going to sleep the night before. It was a little early to be "morning" but I had to leave the house an hour early for a court hearing so I figured it was a good thing he was waking up early and decided I would treat it as morning (diaper change, talking, etc. versus just nursing him back to sleep).

I changed his diaper and picked him up. He pointed to the rocker...

ME: You want to go nurse in the rocker?
LELAND: Side (one of Leland's words for milk/nursing)
ME: Don't you want to go to my bed to nurse?
LELAND: No
ME: You want to nurse in your room?
LELAND: *grunts* (again pointing to the rocker)
ME: Are you sure you don't want to go to my room?
LELAND: No (still pointing to the rocker)

Having accepted his preference for nursing in the rocker was unwavering, I gave in and took him to the rocker to nurse. He nursed for about 10-15 minutes .... and went back to sleep!

It seems I was the one confused. 5:55 am is not morning; it's the middle of the night. And in the middle of the night we nurse in the rocker and he goes back to sleep. Silly me!

Weaning: Stage Three

WEANING: to accustom a young child to take food other than its mother’s milk (source: Dictionary.com)

Weaning is a natural process. As mothers we are not fully in control of the natural weaning process, but we can substantially direct the weaning process. Recently, Leland and I stopped our lunch time nursing dates. We still nurse in the morning, evening, bedtime, and night time. On weekends we freely nurse on demand.

I title this post "Stage Three" because when I thought about it, this change or milestone was really the third major milestone in the weaning process. The first stage / milestone was at six months, when we began introducing solid foods. The second stage / milestone was at fourteen months when I stopped pumping and we introduced cow’s milk.

Approaching this change I recognized what an emotional milestone this was, but failed to fully recognize the physical milestone. Emotionally, for me, the build up was harder than anything. Now that we are into our new routine, I am doing well. Leland has adjusted well too.

The first week or so was hard. He would cling to me the minute I would walk through the door in the evenings, insisting on nursing immediately. One night he got so mad at me for not sitting in the nearest chair available (in the kitchen), but rather walking into the living room with him before sitting down to nurse. Those first few nights he nursed every 20-30 minutes all evening and I obliged as I too had missed him.

One afternoon after my mom had picked him up at school, she took him to run an errand. They passed the bra section in the store and he about lost it. She said he just kept pointing and saying "mama, mama, milk". Thankfully she was quickly able to distract him.

Now, almost four weeks into our new arrangement, we are both doing well. There are still moments in the afternoon when I am overwhelmed with how much I miss him, but overall I am coping well. Leland still asks to nurse almost immediately after I come home, but usually it is after he shows me what he has been doing or playing with. He is also doing excellent with falling asleep for nap time at his new school.

When we approached this change, I failed to recognize the physical effect it would have on me. Generally, I only get my period if we medically induce it using hormones. But about a week after we stopped nursing at lunch, I got my period. Making the transition more abrupt was probably that fact that we had been together for about three weeks over Christmas nursing on demand, 24 hours a day. But still, I was shocked that my oh so defective reproductive system actually noticed the change. Then of course I began to entertain crazy ideas that somehow this meant that my reproductive system wasn’t as defective as I clearly know it is.....oh, how the psychosis of infertility is ever-present!

Bottom line, the transition is going well and we are still successfully - by the grace of God - continuing to breastfeed on demand when we are together.

Bad Mom Day

Today I am feeling like a bad mom.

I’ve been a little MIA as to blogging lately partially because it’s a busy time of year, but mostly because we have all been so sick. A stomach virus made its way though out household. The vomiting only lasted a few days, but Leland had 10 days worth of diarrhea. During the stomach virus, Leland regressed from waking once a night to nurse to waking four to five times per night to nurse – that’s about every two hours. I felt like I had a newborn again and have become a walking zombie with exhaustion induced mood swings. While he was sick, I had to check on him immediately when he woke up because sometimes he was awoken by vomiting or by a very full diarrhea diaper that had to be changed. I just couldn’t wait and see if he fell asleep on his own.

So last night, having fully conquered the stomach virus and convinced the night waking had to stop to save my sanity, I let him cry for 20+ minutes trying to fall back to sleep on his own. It wasn’t hysterical crying, but rather persistent fussing. But I still felt just awful. And in the end…when the fussing turned to actual crying…I gave in and nursed him back to sleep. I’m just not a cry-it-out fan, but I’m also at a bit of a loss as to how to solve the nighttime waking dilemma.

Then today at lunch, I nursed him to sleep. When I laid him on his mat he promptly woke up. I nursed him for another 30 minutes, rocking him, patting him, caressing him and praying he would fall back to sleep. When I finally had to leave to go back to work he was wide awake, screaming hysterically, and reaching out to me - begging me not to go. I felt horrible.

So I’m having a “bad mom” day and it really sucks!

Fourteen Months

This past month has been so much fun. Leland and growing and changing so quickly. He is about 22 pounds and a little over 30 inches. He wears size 4 diapers mostly because he rear is a little wide, otherwise the size 3 would still fit fine. He is in a size 5 shoe and wears 12-18 month clothing. Though he has just now gotten tall enough for 12 month pants.

Leland continue to talk more and more. Some favorite words this month are “bird” and “boat”. There are both birds and boats in some of my paintings around the house and he likes to look at them and talk about them. He has started identifying birds in pictures elsewhere as well.

Leland took his first steps on August 4^th and has just taken off since then. He tentative toddle has turned to a full on run. He wants to walk everywhere now, rather than be carried. He also loves his shoes. He brings them to us and asks us to put them on him. I think he hopes that if we put his shoes on that we can go outside. He loves to play outside so much lately. I am hoping to find an outdoor play set at the upcoming consignment sale.

I stopped pumping this month. Leland still nurses 3-5 times per day, usually on the higher end of that. He nurses (most nights) sometime between 2-4 AM, first thing in the morning, after lunch, (sometimes) an afternoon snack between 4-5 PM, and again before bed. When we are together on the weekends he will sometimes just ask to nurse at random times. When he does this it is usually just a “sip” and he is back to playing. I find it very sweet that he now asks to nurse when he wants.

Leland now has 3 teeth. His top two front teeth came in this month. We had a few days of awful teething but once they really broke though he has been much better. He still has just one tooth on the bottom, but he recently lost the “tooth cap” that was next to the real tooth so the other one may be on its way in soon.  When we saw the “tooth cap” appear last November (when Leland was just 4 months old) we thought that he was getting his first tooth. His first pediatrician even told us he would have a tooth any day. When he still had the “tooth cap” and no tooth at about a year, his new pediatrician explained that it was just a “tooth cap” and would fall out before the tooth actually come through.

Adventures this month include another plane trip to Florida and a new cousin. At the end of August, we flew to Florida again to visit my parents. Leland was teething while we were there, but otherwise we had a nice visit with Nana and Granddaddy. Then, on September 3^rd, we welcomed Leland’s first younger cousin and his first cousin on daddy’s side. Leland did great visiting with his little cousin in the hospital. He loved watching him get a bath in the nursery and showed no signs of any jealousy when we were holding our new nephew.

(Blogger is having issues with photos - I will try to add them later!)

The Break Up

Thursday was a rough day. I was busy at work. I had a doctor appointment that after waiting for an hour and a half was rescheduled. And, I am just so tired from the crazy long days we have been pulling. I rushed to pick Leland up from school and realized that I had not had a chance to pump yet. I was a little engorged so I went ahead and nursed him, planning to pump on the ride home. We ended up eating dinner in the car and I totally forgot to pump on in the car on the way. So, I figured that I would pump after I got Leland settled into bed and everything ready for the next day.

For about the last month or two I have only been pumping once per day. I send one 3 oz breast milk bottle (actually it’s a sippy cup) as a mid-morning snack. I believe it serves more as a comfort measure than a nutritional necessity. And in reality, he only asks for this bottle about half of the days. Pumping once per day has been so much easier than six months ago when I was pumping six or more times a day, but it still takes time and requires nightly pump part washing.

So, Thursday night, I am sitting in his glider, nursing him to sleep, dreading adding pumping to the to-do list before bed when I had an epiphany. Leland will be 14 months on Monday (eek!)… he still nurses 3-5 times per day…he doesn’t NEED those 3 oz. So, there and then, I decided to give up the pump.

One of the reasons I have not given up pumping sooner is for fear my milk supply will dwindle. There is something reassuring about actually seeing the milk in the bottle. But, my supply – while still low – is sufficient for his current needs. And I have faith that as He has thus far, God will provide the milk that Leland needs.

Friday, I sent a half milk / half formula cup to school for his morning “snack.” But, he didn’t even ask for it, because he doesn’t really need it. J

So. There you have it. On August 30, 2012, after thirteen months, three weeks, and six day…I broke up with my pump!  


IN OTHER PUMPING NEWS…since the incident, the secretary now calls me on the phone if she needs something or has a question. She hasn’t even knocked on my closed door since!!!

Exposed

I exposed myself yesterday! Yep. Yesterday at work. Unintentionally. I exposed myself. I admit it!

I was pumping in my office yesterday afternoon while waiting on my 3:30 appointment. I asked our secretary to have them fill out paperwork when they arrived. In the meantime, I was pumping. I had closed the door and locked the door. About 3:25, she came to the door and knocked. Now, I have found that no matter what I say she tries to come into my office. I can say, “don’t come in” and she still tries the door knob.

Yesterday, I said, “who is it” and she tried the door knob. Then the door sprung open!!! See, my door was locked, but not latched. Sometimes I have to slam the door multiple times to get it to latch. I had done this, but I guess it had not really latched. So there I am double electric pump running to my hands free pumping bra as I work away at my desk. And there she is, standing in my doorway, just staring at me.

Finally, I said something. I can’t remember what I said, but I said something. And she left. On one hand I am embarrassed. On the other, shocked it took over a year before this happened. At least it wasn’t one of the male attorneys in my office!

July 2012 Updates

July has been a busy month. I was so good about blogging last month and lately I find time to read blogs (usually while nursing) but not to post. I still need to post a 1 YEAR update post for Leland. And every time I think about posting something, I think “not until I get that 1 YEAR post done.” It’s still a work in progress, but I thought I would update you in bullet points.

·         We celebrated Leland’s first birthday on June 30^th. I did manage to get a post – with pictures – done about this. Yea!

·         My parents visited from Florida for the party and the first few days of the month. We had a really nice, relaxing time.

·         The day after my parent’s left, Robert’s parents arrived for a four day stay. Leland had a great time with the new kiddie pool they brought.

·         We are moving forward with our home purchase. We had the home inspection this past Tuesday. There are no major problems, but we have asked for a few repairs and are waiting for a response from the bank. We got our appraisal back on Wednesday and it was AWFUL. The appraisal is full of incorrect information. He picked comparable houses from 5+ miles away with 1.5 acres of land when our house only has 0.25 acres and there are very recent sales of similar homes on the same street as ours. I spoke with the appraiser and he basically told me that he did anything he could to inflate the value. We have passed out concerns to underwriting with our lender and hopefully they will fight the issue on our behalf.

·         Robert has a job!!! It’s in a finance office at a “local” university. He got the call this past Tuesday and started work on Wednesday. He already loves it. Praise God - we are so thankful! It’s “local” to our new house, but about 1 hour and 45 minutes away from our current house, so we really need to move.

·         We have renters!!! Again, Praise God!!! We planned on renting our house when we moved, but hadn’t done anything to make it happen. About three weeks ago we casually mentioned to our photographer that we would rent our house when we moved. A few hours later someone asked her if she knew anyone renting their home. She passed them our information. That person was looking for something smaller and forwarded our information to someone else. They came to see the house a week ago and plan to come by this weekend to sign a lease. God is so good.

·         If everything keeps moving along – and the appraisal issue gets resolved – we should close on the house sometime during the first week of September and will move within days after we close.

·         I marked the first item off my 30 Before 30 list...more on this later!

·         We started one-on-one communication with our donors this month. Up until now all communication has gone through our wonderful social worker, but with the passage of a year we have moved on to direct communication. It's going well. 

·         Leland is moving up from the “crawlers” baby room at daycare to the “toddler” room one week from Monday (Aug. 6th). I am so proud of him, but it is very bitter sweet. This move will signal the end of our lunch dates for nursing. When I think about it I want to burst into tears. I know it will be better once we move and I am not wasting two hours of my day on the road to and from work, but in the meantime I feel like I am barely going to see him during the week. 

·         I've lost 0.2 pounds in the last month. But, we reduced my thyroid medication just over a month ago and am thrilled to have just maintained. Especially since I have added the occasional ice cream treat back into my diet!

·         Work has been crazy busy this month. I got my first Court of Appeals decision this week. I’ve filed an appeal before but withdrew it when the Juvenile Court judge reconsidered the case. This is the first time I have filed an appeal, submitted a brief, and waited for a decision. The Court of Appeals entered their decision on Wednesday and I WON! Then on Thursday, I got a call from a reporter asking for my thoughts on the court’s decision.  I have to say I felt pretty accomplished as a lawyer at that moment!

So those are the major things that have kept me busy these past few weeks. I do promise a post on Leland soon and  some posts expanding or following up on these updates. Thanks for checking in!

RE Visit

I took the day off work to visit my RE. I was checking back in with him about my hormone regiment. First I was concerned about my triglycerides. My cholesterol has been going down, but my triglycerides have been going up. My research (thanks Dr. Google) found that is could be the prolonged use of oral estrogen. I have been taking oral estrogen - 2mg a day - since just after Leland's birth to help with milk production. My RE said that my research was correct but that switching to estrogen patches could disrupt my milk production and that short-term elevated triglycerides was not a huge deal. So for now I stay on the same estrogen regiment. The best news of the visits - besides not needing an u/s - was that I can stop doing the provera induced bleeds every three months. I hate, hate, hate progesterone. It makes me feel awful and moody. Based on my last visit with my RE I was due for another round in a week, but as long as I am not having breakthrough bleeding I can keep taking the estrogen without the awful progesterone. Yea! The worst news of the visit. I found out that my perinatologist, who is also my OB/GYN is moving to California in September. I am devastated. I have never met a better doctor in my life. He took amazing care or me and Leland through the pregnancy and after. He is brilliant and really an expert on a very complicated pregnancy-related condition I have. A condition that if managed wrong could result in a cranial bleed in my fetus or death. I have sworn that I would never see another OB/GYN EVER no matter how far I moved - I drove nearly 100 miles from work to his office while pregnant with Leland. Is California to far to travel to a doctor while pregnant? On the upside, at least I now have a little notice and can schedule an appointment before he leaves.

16 1/2 Pounds!

I got on the Wii Fit this morning and to my surprise and elation, I have lost another 4 ½ pounds in the last 9 days. That makes a total of 16 ½ pounds since the beginning of May. I am down to 157 pounds, with only 4 more pounds to lose to reach my pre-transfer weight.

I am actually in a bit of shock. In the past I would have had to work diligently for 4-6 months (maybe longer) to lose that much weight. I don’t know if it is the breastfeeding along with the healthy diet or if it is avoiding gluten that is making the difference. Either way, I am very thankful for how wonderful I am feeling.

Now…back to my lunch of egg drop soup and watermelon…also know as my $2.14 take out from our “dollar scoop” Chinese restaurant.

The Seventh Month

Leland and I are finally getting well and back to normal. I have been fighting my bronchitis for weeks. Thankfully, after only a few days on the antibiotic, Leland was much better. Though, he still has a lingering cough and the sniffles. Hopefully I will be able to get back to blogging more.

This past months has been so eventful. I hosted a 70^th Birthday party for my dad. It’s bittersweet. I enjoyed all the time I had with my dad and my four older sisters, but it’s hard to accept that my dad is really 70. It was also a little stressful as not all of my sisters get along well, mostly because not all of my sisters are nice people. Specifically, my sister just older than me – I’ll call her CM - is really just not nice. We made it though the party without incident, but CM had a large outburst at the end of lunch on Sunday. She started screaming hysterically and saying awful things about me and Robert. Thankfully my three oldest sisters came to our defense. Good (nice) sisters really are a blessing. Outside of celebrating the wonderful man my dad is, the best part of the weekend was getting to introduce Leland to family members (including my three oldest sisters) who had not met him yet.

Leland is growing and changing so much. On February 3^rd he weighed 13 lbs 1 oz. On February 21^st he weighed 14 lbs 7 oz! He is a little eating machine and is just plumping up wonderfully. He has started sitting on his own and has mastered rolling about to get to things. He still hates to be on his tummy, but we are working with him. He has started giving kisses and it just melts my heart when I get one. We practiced for weeks and then one day it just clicked. Still, he is more likely to give a kiss on his own just because than on demand, when asked for one.

Breastfeeding continues to be a struggle. When I was sick I was pumping 5-6 times a day to get 8-9 oz of milk. I was burning through my freezer stash. With this reality, I made a difficult decision about two weeks ago. I have added in one 4oz formula per day in the afternoons.  My milk supply has actually increased some now that I am feeling better, but keeping the formula bottle takes a little pressure off me when I was already struggling so hard to produce. It also means I don’t have to pump after Leland goes to bed so I can relax more and get to bed a little earlier. He has done well with the formula at daycare. The first time Robert tried to give him the formula he objected, but has sense accepted formula from Robert (and even once from me). I thought he would need a formula bottle on the weekends since my daily supply is not matching his daily demand, but I have actually found that on the weekends he would just rather nurse on demand rather than have the bottle. God continues to look over me and bless me with the ability to continue to breastfeed and for that I am so thankful.

This weekend, Leland will be 8 months old. Wow! Now...some pictures:

 Got my cell phone!

Dimples

 Sitting up all by myself!

Blue eyes like daddy!

Spilled Milk

I saw this recently and it made me laugh. It made me think back to Thanksgiving when I had to dump about 50 ounces "laced" with antibiotics which were causing Leland to vomit. I really did cry a little and to be honest I have never really "caught up". I used to have a two day stash (24-25 oz) in the refrigerator as a cushion just in case my pumping was a little short for a day. Now, my cushion is about 1-2 oz. But I am thankful that - by God's grace and provision - we are still breastfeeding successfully.

* As an update...Leland is feeling better. He is more tired than usual but seems so much better than he was last week. I am so thankful. On the down side, I am feeling awful. I go to the doctor this afternoon.

Hungry, Hungry Hippo

So it’s been eleven days since my last post and I am still just so busy. Shouldn’t January be a slow month? I have decided to pick up on my updates with Leland’s eating since it is the biggest development for him right now.

We started solids on December 24^th with sweet potatoes. I wanted to use the Baby Led Weaning method. I read the book and had really high hopes for the method. Leland did not agree. He just lacks the motor skills to get the food to his mouth on his own. This would be okay if he was not so interested in actually eating, but was rather content to mainly explore the food. Since he wants to actually eat it, but can’t, he gets mad. So we ditched Baby Led Weaning and went straight to purees. Though, I have still tried to keep some of the principles of Baby Led Weaning. I have made him and bought him purees that are chunkier and I will mix oatmeal or actual rice in with his food. This helps him practice chewing and moving solids in his mouth, rather than just slurping down the puree. I also let him “help” with the spoon when he tries and I allow him to touch the food even though it makes a mess.   

For the first week, Leland ate once a day at dinner (about 6 PM). We then added in a late lunch (about 2PM). Just last week we added in a late breakfast (about 10 AM). So here is what his daily intake looks like:

5:30 AM – nursing

8:30 AM – 4oz bottle of breast milk

10:00 AM – 3-6oz of food

12:00 PM – nursing + 4oz bottle of breast milk

2:00 PM – 3-6oz of food

3:30 PM - 4oz bottle of breast milk

6:00 PM – 3-4oz of food

6:30 – nursing / bath / nursing

7:30 - asleep

*These are rough times. I am actually still feeding him on demand, but he is pretty consistent most days*

If you’re keeping count, Leland nurses 3-4 times a day for a total of about 2 hours. He takes 12 oz total in the bottles at daycare. And he is eating about 10-16 oz of food a day. Wow! It was like right after New Year’s something clicked and the boy was just hungry. I really can’t believe how much he is eating at times. But I feel good about following his cues. Sometimes he will eat 8 oz in a sitting. Other times he takes 2 bites and is done. He’s never been shy about letting you know that he wants to eat or that he isn’t done eating yet. Because of this, if he is hungry, I feed him. And if he’s not hungry, I don’t encourage him to eat. It seems to be working well and he sure is growing.  

I love that I am still nursing him. It is one of the best parts of my day. One thing that is empowering about nursing is it is something no one else could do. When I was first thinking about going back to work I was panicking that Leland would bond with his daycare teacher(s) more than me. If you do the math he spends about 6 ½ hours of his day with me and about 7 ½ hours of his day at daycare. If his teacher could feed him, rock him, and play with him just as I could, where did that leave me? I know, an irrational fear, but a fear none the less. Nursing gave me something that no one else could do; a way to bond that no one else could bond.

As much as I love nursing, it has been a struggle. I went into nursing with the expectation that it would be hard. I did this so that if it was easy I would be pleasantly surprised and if it was hard, I would be prepared to not give up. I have to honestly say that I was not prepared for how hard it has been. I had this idea that even though my body had failed me in the creating a baby department, it had mostly rocked at the growing a baby thing…so feeding a baby should be no harder than it is for other “normal” women…right?

After producing almost no milk at all (and having to supplement with formula from about two weeks to about four weeks of age), I saw my reproductive endocrinologist (RE). He acted shocked that I was actually breastfeeding and asked if I was having difficulty. He explained that because of my Premature Ovarian Failure my body had almost zero Estrogen and at least some Estrogen is needed to produce milk. He stared me on 1mg of Estrace twice daily. He said I could take it for a few months “unopposed” –meaning without also taking Progesterone. But unopposed estrogen carries risks (cancer, etc.) and I should come back and see him in three months or so. I saw him again on December 28^th. I did a nasty round of Provera to clean out my uterine lining and I have “clearance” to continue the Estrace for another 3 months. But then he really wants me to stop.

I don’t want to stop. I had intentions of breastfeeding exclusively for a year and then continuing breastfeeding maybe even as long as two years (mostly bedtime feedings) or whenever Leland seemed ready to stop. When I think about stopping breastfeeding, the rational part of me mourns the bonding time. The irrational part of me is convinced that stopping is the equivalent of starving my child. Right now I am taking it one day at a time and I will have a serious discussion about the pros and cons with my doctor in March or April (probably April).

As I have mentioned before, I know that God will provide and He will not let Leland go hungry. Sometimes I think that is part of why Leland is such a big fan of solid foods – God made him that way. Some babies transition to food faster and easier, while others shy away from it. I think Leland being a good eater will make the transition away from breastfeeding, whether that’s sooner or later, a little easier. Whatever the outcome, I know God will provide. 

Updates

I have had so many blog posts floating around in my head, but no time to write them. I guess that is how it happens. The busier you are the more you have to write about and the less time you have to write it. So I have decided to just post some bullet points and then expand on them in posts (hopefully) in the near future:

•  Leland is doing great with solids. He loves food. He eats twice a day at 2 PM and 6 PM. He has tried sweet potatoes, applesauce, pears, rice, oatmeal, avocados, and bananas.
• I have my period (thanks to Pro.ver.a) and am bleeding super heavy. This may be TMI, but I am bleeding more now than postpartum. My uterine lining got to 14mm thanks to 4 months of unopposed estrogen. By comparison my lining was LESS than 6mm at the time of the FET. I feel really crappy.
• My Reproductive Endocrinologist (who manages my hormone replacement therapy) wants me to stop breastfeeding. I want to cry every time I think about it. I am only producing milk with the assistance of the aforementioned unopposed estrogen and he thinks I should stop sooner than later. Even with the unopposed estrogen my production is struggling. He said we will discuss it more at my next appointment which should be in March.
•  Leland has his first diaper rash. As diaper rash goes it’s not horrible. But to a concerned mama it’s awful and I am doing everything I can to clear it up as quickly as possible. Any suggestions are welcome.
• My 21 year old, unmarried, sister-in-law is pregnant. I really want to post more about this soon, but as fellow infertiles I am certain you can imagine my state of mind. I am trying to focus on the fact that I know she is terrified and pray for her. Her name is Hannah if you would like to pray for her too.
• We are house hunting. Right now Robert and I both commute an hour to work. With Leland, I just can’t do it anymore. We are looking for a house close to my work and Leland’s daycare – in my hometown where I work.

I hope to post more soon, but I will leave you with a few recent pictures:

Today at lunch at the daycare.

 Happy Eater!

He just recently grew into these PJs. He looks like such a "little boy" here to me.

4:00 AM

So I mentioned in my Five Months post that Leland has starting waking around 4:15 am or 4:30 am. It’s getting complicated and I wanted to see if any of you wonderful mamas had any thoughts or advice.

The difficulty with waking around 4:15 am or 4:30 am is that it is not really early enough for a whole additional feeding, but it’s not late enough to just be a slightly earlier / slightly longer morning feeding. If he were waking at 3 am, it would not be fun, but it would be simple. Eat at 3 am, go back to bed from 4 am to 5:30 am, and then eat again at 6 am – simple. But if he eats at 4:30 am, he’ll be hungry moments after we begin our morning hour long commute and won’t be able to eat until about 8:30 (4 hours later) when we get to the daycare. If he eats from 4:30 – 5:30 am, it gets complicated. I could feed him again from 6:15 – 7:00, just before I have to load the car and get on the road. This would give me 45 minutes from 5:30 – 6:15 to get ready. The problem is I would be getting out of bed every day at 4:15 am. I don’t think I can do this and still function.

With our old schedule of him starting eating about 5:30 or 6:00 am, I was getting up at 5:30 am every day. It’s early, but doable. I just don’t see how I can get up at 4:15 am, when I don’t get home in the evening until 6:15 or 6:30 pm. By the time we nurse and take a bath he doesn’t get to bed until around 8 pm. I then wash bottles, clean the kitchen, do laundry, and try to spend a bit of time with Robert. I get to bed around 11 pm.

For the past week I have been handling this by coaxing him back to sleep. On Sunday morning he woke about 3:45 am. Since it was Sunday and since it was earlier in the morning I was able to just fit in an additional feeding. Otherwise, if he wakes after 4 am, I have been holding the pacifier in his mouth and rubbing his back until he falls back to sleep. Sometimes I have to do this every 30 minutes from 4 am until 5:30 am when I get up and feed him. Let me make it clear that he is not crying. He is stirring and making a very quiet fussy noise. Still, it makes me feel really guilty, like I am denying him food or something. So, any advice or encouragement you all have would be great.

Five Months

Leland was five months on Saturday. We had such a nice weekend decorating for Christmas and having family Christmas photos taken. I love lounging in the living room just watching the Christmas tree and am really looking forward to doing this with Leland this year.

Leland seems to be working on a tooth. It’s on his lower right side. Leland spent Thursday and Friday home with Robert and Robert called Thursday afternoon to tell me he could feel a little bump from the tooth and that Leland was being really fussy about the tooth. I can tell it’s really starting to bother him as he constantly has his hand in the spot and keeps rubbing his tongue over the spot too. During his two days with daddy, Leland has been working on mastering rolling over. He did it a few more times for Robert (I still haven’t seen it) and even did it once without encouragement while he was suppose to be napping in his crib.

It’s been such a blessing that Robert takes off two days (almost) every week right now to spend with Leland. Since I returned to work Robert filed for intermittent family leave so that for the first few months Leland won’t have to spend as much time in daycare. This week it was an added blessing. I found out today that last week there was an outbreak in Leland’s classroom of Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease. Today four of the babies are out sick and two others have sores on them (apparently once there are sores and the fever breaks they are no longer contagious?). It appears the contagious time frame was the end of last week (and over the weekend) and Leland, being home with daddy, was spared. It things like this that make me feel so thankful he is only in daycare a limited number of days, but feel so guilty that he has to go at all.

Leland is growing wonderfully. He is finishing up his last few size 1 diapers right now and is using primarily size 1-2 diapers. He has just recently started wearing some size 3-6 month onesies, but still wears many 3 month onesies and all 3 month or 0-3 month pants. On Thursday, he has his next round of shots, so we’ll get an updated weight then.

Leland’s head control is great. He can sit in the Bumbo or a “sassy seat” for 15-20 minutes unassisted. His grasping is also developing wonderfully. Leland’s favorite toy is the O-Ball. When I offer it to him he will actually reach out and take it from me. His other favorites are still his frog soothie and mobile over his changing table. He also loves spending time on his play mat.

Leland is still eating about the same. He takes 4 oz in the bottle about every 3 hours while at daycare. I nurse him in the morning for about an hour, at lunch for about 40 minutes and in the evening for about 1 ½ hours. Just recently he has stopped sleeping through the night. It started last week with waking up a little early – maybe 30 minutes. Now he is waking up around 4:15 or 4:30 am. When he wakes he is not crying, but rather just stirring. So, I am trying to convince him that he still wants to sleep through the night, but it is only working so well. But more on this later and hopefully you will all have some advice for me.

Finally, I’ll leave you with a really cute video Robert made of our fun this weekend decorating the house for Christmas. He emailed the video to his family who will be joining us at our house on Christmas day.

Bronchitis, Vomiting, Santa (almost), Florida / Thanksgiving, Disney World & Mastitis

BRONCHITIS

It has been a crazy two weeks. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving my throat started to hurt and I just knew I was getting sick. I got sicker by the day and by Sunday I was cough and blowing dark mucus (TMI?). Since we were about the leave town to visit my parents in Florida in a few days and I wasn’t sure when I would have time to go to my doctor I went to a local after hours clinic on Sunday afternoon. They were nice enough and gave me an antibiotic. The nurse practitioner I saw knew I was breastfeeding (I had Leland with me at the appointment) and assured me that the antibiotic was safe for him and would not cause any problems with breastfeeding.

The weekend before Thanksgiving was spent resting, packing, and trying to get better. I used the vaporizer, the netti pot sinus cleanse, gargled with warm water and salt, took hot showers - every home remedy I could think of. In my spare time, I was clearing Leland’s nose and praying he did not get sick too. My nose was so red I looked like Rudolph.

VOMITING

Monday before Thanksgiving I went back to work. Robert is a teacher and had the whole week off work, so Leland was home with him. Monday, just after lunch, Robert called and said Leland had thrown up. I only half believed him. I questioned him about how much and was it just a lot of spit up rather than actual throw up. By the time I got home from work Leland had thrown up a few more times and Robert had thrown up some too. (The smell of throw up makes Robert throw up). When I got in Robert and Leland were cuddled on the sofa with Leland asleep, both drenched in Leland’s throw up. Robert had changed both their clothes several times that afternoon, but after the last round Leland fell asleep and Robert did not want to disturb him.

I called the pediatrician on the way home and picked up some Pe.di.alyte. Once home, we bathed Leland and then I tried nursing him. He did great, but about an hour later he threw up again. I gave him two ounces of Pe.di.alyte and he fell asleep for the night.

SANTA (ALMOST)

Tuesday morning I was supposed to be at work again. And, at noon we had family photos scheduled at JC Penny for Christmas pictures and pictures with Santa. I wasn’t originally going to take Leland to see Santa as that’s not really when Christmas is all about. But the day we scheduled our Christmas pictures happened to be the day Santa would be at the studio so I figured it could be fun to get a traditional Santa picture for Leland’s first Christmas.

I gave Leland Pe.di.alyte and he held that down. Then I nursed him and he seemed to be fine. Still I decided to call in sick to work and to cancel our Christmas pictures so I could monitor Leland’s progress. I was hopeful it was just a little 12-hour stomach bug.

FLORIDA / THANKSGIVING

Since Leland seemed to be doing well and I had called into work, we decided to get an early start to Florida by late Tuesday morning. At this point I was still fighting a nasty case of bronchitis, but feeling a teeny bit better than I had over the weekend. Leland did great in the car for the first stretch. We made it about 200 miles and he slept the whole way. Then we stopped for a bite to eat. Since Leland had not vomited in 16+ hours I resumed his normal feeding schedule. But, not long later, he threw it all up! The second half our out trip to Florida was marked by hourly (approx) stops to change Leland’s wet clothes and to offer another 1-2 oz of Pe.di.alyte to keep him hydrated. I have to note that the odd thing about the stomach bug was that other than the vomiting Leland had no other symptoms, he was his usual happy self. We staying in touch with our pediatrician through this whole ordeal and he just said we had to ride it out and keep him hydrated.

We spent a lazy day Wednesday visiting with my parents. Leland continued to vomit on and off. He would be fine for a few feedings and then he would start throwing up again. We would start back with Pe.di.alyte and then transition to breast milk with no problems. Then he would throw up again. During this ordeal I was pumping to keep my milk supply up during the times Leland was not eating. I figured the upside to this mess was that I had increased my breast milk stash substantially.

Thursday morning – Thanksgiving – a light bulb went off. It had to be my antibiotic that was making Leland throw up. Nothing else made sense. I had considered it earlier in the week but didn’t think it was the answer. But by Thursday, it was the only thing left. Without access to my freezer stash at home, Leland spent Thanksgiving alternating between Pe.di.alyte and formula, neither which he was at all happy about. I figured 24 hours would be enough to get the antibiotic out of my system, and was able to successfully resume nursing at bedtime on Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving morning I made pancakes with my dad. My dad makes the best pancakes. He doesn’t cook at all, but his pancakes are a rare specialty. Sadly my dad is suffering from unspecified dementia, with some Parkinson type symptoms. It’s getting harder for him to do simple tasks like make pancakes, so I am savoring every last tradition I have with him. We watched the parade and when over to a family friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. My parent’s loved showing off their newest grandbaby (he is grandbaby #10) to all of their friends and we had a really great time.

Friday morning Robert, Leland, and I ventured out to Toys R Us for some mid-morning black Friday shopping. We got a Fisher Price Jumperoo for $45 (Reg. $100) and a Fisher Price Space Saving High Chair for $30 (Reg. $60). Thankfully the store wasn’t too crazy and we got both items we wanted. Friday afternoon my Mom and I went shopping at the Coldwater Creek clearance center in Orlando. I was in desperate need of work clothes since I am still about 20 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight. I spent about $170 on clothes and got 4 pairs of pants, 2 suit jackets, 3 t-shirts, 10 blouses / sweaters. Mornings will be so, so much easier now!

Friday also confirmed my suspicion about the antibiotic causing the vomiting. With it out of my system Leland did not throw up at all. That was the good news. The bad news – I had to dump 50 OUNCES OF BREAST MILK! I cried a little.

DISNEY WORLD

Saturday both Leland and I were feeling much better. We ventured out to spend the day at Epcot with my parents. I have always wanted to go to Epcot at Christmas and it was so beautiful. We skipped the stroller and just went for a front carrier and backpack. It worked great. Everyone pointed and commented on Leland in his little sunglasses. Soon after he was born I ordered baby sunglasses. I never go out without my sunglasses so why would I want to strain his eyes?

We had a relaxing day wandering and eating our way through the countries. We had churros is Mexico, pastries in Norway, roasted nuts in France, Bratwurst & soft pretzels in Germany, chocolates in Italy, and fish & chips in England. We would just get one of each item and split it. It was so much fun. In the past at Epcot we have gone to a different sit down restaurant each time. The sit down restaurants are nice, but you only get to experience one type of food. Eating / snacking our way through the countries was a lot more fun.

We were also able to see several shows and ride several rides. Epcot has several continuous movement rides and slow boat rides that were a lot of fun with Leland. He just rode in the carrier. His favorite was probably the Nemo ride because of all the music and digital effects. (Anything that looks like a TV screen fascinates him these days). We had a really great day overall. We left the park about 7 PM and we were all asleep by 9 PM.

MASTITIS

Sunday I woke up feeling awful. I was so tired and just ached all over. I assumed that spending the day at Epcot the day before had been harder on me than I had expected. I was burning up, drenched in sweat at church, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I was feeling nauseated and a bit dizzy too. Something just wasn’t right. After church, I took a nap while my mom and Robert packed the car. I had also noticed that my left breast was tender. Similar to being tender when I first wake up in the morning, but it did not go away with nursing. It got more painful as the day went on. I felt so awful, Robert drove the entire trip home. Thankfully Leland slept the entire way, waking only once to eat. Sunday night I assumed the breast tenderness was from so much pumping and that the exhaustion was from the busy trip. After all I had never made the trip before with an infant.

Monday, I barely dragged myself out of bed and to work. Honestly, if it weren’t for Leland I would have called in sick. But the thought of caring for him at home all day seemed more difficult than taking him to daycare and going to work. Thankfully I don’t have any scheduled court this week. By lunch Monday I realized there was a serious problem. My left breast was bright red and very swollen on one side. And it was so, so painful. I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for Monday afternoon. As I had worried, it was Mastitis.

I started a new antibiotic Monday night praying it would not cause Leland to throw up. Thankfully, he is doing well. Unfortunately, the antibiotic caused me to have an excruciatingly bad headache. It felt like my brain had swelled to twice the size of my skull. I spent most of yesterday huddled in my office in the dark just waiting of the hours to pass so the antibiotic would get out of my system. When I got home last night, I nurse Leland and put him to bed early. I then got in bed by 8 PM.

Today I am feeling much better. I have stopped the antibiotic and am waiting to hear back from my doctor’s office about what I should do from here. It’s been an eventful first major holiday, with some stressful stuff and some really fun, memorable stuff. I will try to post some pictures soon. Thanks for hanging in there with me through this really long post. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! 

What I Love

I realize this week that Leland will be 4 months next week. It has made me a bit nostalgic. So I wanted to share a list of what I love right now:

1) Leland’s Morning Stretch. When I wake him up in the morning, he has the cutest stretch. He puts his hands behind his head and points his little elbows out as he arches his back and puckers his lips. Cutest thing ever.

2) Squishy baby bottom. Usually when I pick him up he is wearing a diaper, but when we are coming to or from the bath he is just wrapped in a towel. When I put my hand under his bottom to carry him his little bottom is just so tiny and squishy. It bothers my husband that I find this so cute.

3)  Leland’s Milky Face. He’s a messy eater. When he gets done nursing he has milk ear to ear and dribbling down his chin. He always looks so full and content and it makes me feel great that I can provide him such great nourishment. It also reminds me of when my milk finally came in on day four and the first time I saw milk dribbling down his face.

4) Lunch Dates. On days Leland is at the daycare I stop by for lunch. We nurse and rock and just love on each other. It’s one of the best parts of my day.

I have so much love for this little man. We are so incredibly blessed!