Last night we celebrated my birthday with a kids-free dinner with some of my closest and long-time friends. Of the four people (two couples) who joined us I have been friends with two of them since ninth grade and one of them since third grade. The two whom I have been friends with since ninth grade have been friends with each other since kindergarten. So we all go "way back". They are truly amazing friends and overall we had a fun evening.
I say "overall" because shortly into the evening - as I offered up margaritas - my friend announced she is pregnant with her third child. Commence numbness. I find with each pregnancy announcement I encounter, some level of numbness goes with it. Sometimes it is just the tip of the elbow that goes numb, a slight surprise but easily endurable. Other times, the numbness is debilitating. Last night I found myself somewhere in between those extremes. I willed myself to focus on the parts that weren’t numb, willed myself to genuinely congratulate her, and willed myself to have a fun time. And for the most part I really did have a fun evening.
As the evening went on the numbness grew. See, my other friend, the one who is not pregnant....will be soon. She and her husband are teachers. Their son just turned three. They are planning a summer conception and a spring birth to align her maternity leave with the school year. As I thought to this fall - both of them pregnant together - the numbness grew.
I’ve tried to rationalize with myself. I’m not ready to be pregnant again. (I’m not ready to endure a home study again). I really am happy for them. I know it is not God’s timing for my life for me to be pregnant right now regardless of infertility. I have a lot of other things going on right now (new job, new house, caring for a toddler, helping care for my dad). Yet this morning, there is still a numbness and a lump in my throat.
I say "overall" because shortly into the evening - as I offered up margaritas - my friend announced she is pregnant with her third child. Commence numbness. I find with each pregnancy announcement I encounter, some level of numbness goes with it. Sometimes it is just the tip of the elbow that goes numb, a slight surprise but easily endurable. Other times, the numbness is debilitating. Last night I found myself somewhere in between those extremes. I willed myself to focus on the parts that weren’t numb, willed myself to genuinely congratulate her, and willed myself to have a fun time. And for the most part I really did have a fun evening.
As the evening went on the numbness grew. See, my other friend, the one who is not pregnant....will be soon. She and her husband are teachers. Their son just turned three. They are planning a summer conception and a spring birth to align her maternity leave with the school year. As I thought to this fall - both of them pregnant together - the numbness grew.
I’ve tried to rationalize with myself. I’m not ready to be pregnant again. (I’m not ready to endure a home study again). I really am happy for them. I know it is not God’s timing for my life for me to be pregnant right now regardless of infertility. I have a lot of other things going on right now (new job, new house, caring for a toddler, helping care for my dad). Yet this morning, there is still a numbness and a lump in my throat.
4 comments:
I'll keep you in my prayers, Lara. I cannot know your pain, but I can share a similar path. For 16 years Cara and I have been without a child. So you all are not alone. The numbness is unique to you. Our circumstances may well vary. But the feeling in general is not a burden you share alone.
God's peace rest upon you.
I can relate. Even though I now have my precious two children, each pregnancy announcement yields some kind of pain bc I know that most likely, I will not experience that again (even though pregnancy was miserable for me...why wouldn i even want to go thru that again?!).
I went through that a lot in our 4 years of TTC before we adopted Daughter as an embryo and got pregnant. I remember when the only other childless couple at church made their announcement... I was happy for them, but hurt for us.
So very sorry. Godspeed!
First! Happy belated birthday!!!! NExt, know that I am praying and I know that place you are. THe time in between when Rhea had his vasectomy and reversal was like that for me. We regretted it and yet did not have the money to fix what we did. SO the infertility was "self-induced" by stupidity on our part.Now at 45, I think back and have to struggle with at times of what would have been like if we had left things alone? HOWEVER< through all of this I have gained a sensitivity and an awareness for infertile couples that I never had. I have met some amazing people through this journey. (like you!!)
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