Disclosure

We want to actively share Leland’s story with him. We never want him to experience a big reveal that he was adopted as an embryo. We want his story to simply be something he has always known, with deeper understanding as he grows. This is easier said than done.

I think all parents must struggle with the big question of "where do babies come from?" This is a natural question I believe all children will ask at varying ages. Thus, most parents probably wait until their child brings it up to ever discuss the child’s origin and path to joining the family.

We, however, want to take a pro-active approach to the "where did I come from" question in order to lay the foundation and in order to (hopefully) prevent Leland from ever feeling like it was a secret how he was conceived. To do this I want to write him a "when I came from" book. In the book I want the book to tell specific information about our donors, our doctors, and our trip to Tennessee to "meet" him.

The problem is....I’m having trouble finding the words. I don’t quite know how to frame things or the specific words I want to use. Do I call our donors "genetic parents" or "donors" or "friends" or just by their names? Do I actually use the word "adopted"? Do I use the word "embryo" or "snowflake" or "special gift"? Every choice seems to carry with it a multitude of implications.

Lost on how to begin I have decided begin the dialog with Leland using books others have written. I have started collecting children’s books related to where do babies come from, building of non-traditional families, embryo donation, and egg donation. My hope is that I will find several of these that I like and that "fit" and that I can use the language from those books to write our own book with the specific information added into the story.

So that’s the plan.

If anyone has any suggestions in general or suggestions for books to read I welcome all the help I can get.

And, finally, I hope to post some book review here to pass along what I find.

Perspective

There has been a lot going on lately, keeping me busy and away from blogging. I hope to update on the on-goings of life soon, but wanted to first set out some of the thoughts that relate back to my friend’s joyous announcement at my birthday dinner.

First, there is the logical, think-things-through side of me. I reasoned that I had forced her hand...put her on the spot...after all I had just offered her a margarita. And we are close friends so I wouldn’t have wanted her to lie or to hide it from me. I clung to this rationale for a while. Until I realized that Robert and I were the last to know. She had announced to everyone else (in our circle of friends) previously that week. I also discovered that she came that night with the intent to announce to us. After more thought than I ever should have given this I have concluded that some people really do not get it.

Putting aside the think-it-through, "me-focused" rationale, has given way to some perspective. I would find myself driving down that road, playing scenarios in my head - ways the announcement could have been handled better or things I could have said differently - and then my thoughts would drift to more pressing matters in my own life and in the lives of those I love. I would think about my dad and how his condition is progressing significantly; I would think about my mom who struggles each day to find the strength and courage to care for my dad; I would think about (multiple) friends of mine whose parents are fighting cancer; I would think about friends and acquaintances who have recently suffered miscarriages and failed transfers. The heartache, the loss, the worry. All overwhelming in comparison. A healthy dose of perspective.

My perspective was put to a test this past weekend. My cousin announced she is pregnant. Overall, I had a very positive response to her announcement. I’m not sure if it was the different circumstances of the announcement, the fact that I know she has had a prior loss, the fact that although younger than me she is not in my cohort and thus not someone with whom I compare myself. Either way, I am happy for her. And it feels good to be happy for her.

School's out for Summer

Friday was Leland's last day of school for the year. He will be going all summer to their camp program but the actual school year has concluded.

Just for fun....here is his photo from the first day a this new school back in January.

And a photo from the last day of school. He sure has grown up a lot!

Nursing at 22 Months

Leland is twenty-two and a half months old and we are still nursing. Having come this far I want to record and share some of my thoughts and experiences. First, let me say that I am not a breast feeding expert. Far from it.

The question I get the most is "why". And honestly it is a question I consider myself frequently. I consider the question myself not with any doubts, but rather for the purpose of self reflection and analysis of priorities. So here is my candid list of why I am still nursing (in no order of importance):

• Leland still needs it and wants it. He asks to nurse and I am happy to provide him this need / want.
• I read an article once when I was a child that said breast feeding though age two or older provides the best defense against allergies. So I am striving to reach the two year mark based partially on a goal set for myself before I was even old enough to drive.
• Nursing provides comfort to Leland like nothing else. When he is hurt, teething, sick, or just tired, nursing soothes him. It also distracts him while I hold ice to his head to reduce the swelling on his latest bump or bruise.
• Nursing burns calories. I’d rather spend 20 minutes lounging in bed nursing Leland than 20 minutes on a treadmill.
• We’ve come so far, why stop now. I fought so hard to produce milk and still have low production, but we fought the really, really hard fight and persevered. Plus it’s one of the only "womanly" things my body has managed to do. It couldn’t get pregnant, wouldn’t give birth, but amazingly by the grace of God is producing milk.
• Nursing makes bedtime and nap time so easy. Leland can go to sleep without nursing, but it serves as such a great wind-down time and makes him nice and sleepy. Often when I put him in bed at night he is still awake, just relaxed and sleeply post-nursing.
• Only I can do it. Having had Leland in daycare or school since he was 12 weeks old there is something comforting as his mother to have something that only I can provide him. It helps to quiet the "mommy doubt".
• Breast milk is a great source of antibodies and has done an excellent job of boosting Leland’s immune system. Even though he has been in daycare since he was 12 weeks he has only been sick a few times (strep @ 7 months; mild ear infection @ 9 months; stomach virus @ 15 months; a few runny nose / head colds...and that’s it!)
• Nursing provides much needed quiet time for an active toddler and a tired mommy. It’s a way I can spend time with him and still be relaxing. It’s a way to refocus and calm him if he gets overwhelmed or overexcited at a family gathering or event.
• Nursing releases dopamine and I think I’m addicted. Seriously, I can feel that "happy hormone" release when we start nursing. By the time we are done I feel much more relaxed even if I have had a stressful day.

All of this said, nursing is hard and has its share of challenges:

• Comments and opinions from others. "Your still nursing him?"
• Blisters, sores, etc. Thankfully I don’t get them often, but they do happen. I have had a particularly bad sore recently that has hurt a lot. Even Leland notices and points out the "booboo" to me before he starts nursing.
• Kicking, wiggling, etc. Sometimes nursing looks more like a wrestling match. And a few times he has kicked me so much that I have had to stop nursing him and tell him we can only continue if he will not kick me.
• Only I can do it. Sick, hurt, tired and I’m still on deck. I’ve missed one bedtime in 22 months and all date nights, meetings, or girls nights start after Leland has gone to bed.
• "Milk, milk, milk"..."Side, side, side" as he taps my nipple walking through the grocery store. Or sometimes he just puts his hand down my shirt. It’s partially cute and thankfully he redirected easily when it’s just not a good time to nurse, but still challenging at times.

The second most common question I get is when we will stop. And the answer is that I don’t know. I’d like to make it to age two and that’s just six weeks away (eek!), but after that I just don’t know. My hope is that he will wean himself on his own sometime between 2 and 2 ½, but we will see how it goes. Any thoughts from the more experienced mom’s out there?

Bottom line...I have been blessed beyond measure to have been able to nurse Leland this long. It is truly a gift from God.

Commence Numbness

Last night we celebrated my birthday with a kids-free dinner with some of my closest and long-time friends. Of the four people (two couples) who joined us I have been friends with two of them since ninth grade and one of them since third grade. The two whom I have been friends with since ninth grade have been friends with each other since kindergarten. So we all go "way back". They are truly amazing friends and overall we had a fun evening.

I say "overall" because shortly into the evening - as I offered up margaritas - my friend announced she is pregnant with her third child. Commence numbness. I find with each pregnancy announcement I encounter, some level of numbness goes with it. Sometimes it is just the tip of the elbow that goes numb, a slight surprise but easily endurable. Other times, the numbness is debilitating. Last night I found myself somewhere in between those extremes. I willed myself to focus on the parts that weren’t numb, willed myself to genuinely congratulate her, and willed myself to have a fun time. And for the most part I really did have a fun evening.

As the evening went on the numbness grew. See, my other friend, the one who is not pregnant....will be soon. She and her husband are teachers. Their son just turned three. They are planning a summer conception and a spring birth to align her maternity leave with the school year. As I thought to this fall - both of them pregnant together - the numbness grew.

I’ve tried to rationalize with myself. I’m not ready to be pregnant again. (I’m not ready to endure a home study again). I really am happy for them. I know it is not God’s timing for my life for me to be pregnant right now regardless of infertility. I have a lot of other things going on right now (new job, new house, caring for a toddler, helping care for my dad). Yet this morning, there is still a numbness and a lump in my throat.

Exciting Day (Two NEDC Transfers!)

Today is an exciting day. Two wonderful ladies (among many others) are scheduled for transfers today at the NEDC. Please join me in praying for these amazing women, their families, and their precious embryos:

Naomi at Milagro Adoption
Transfer @ 10:00 AM

Shannon at Room for More
Transfer @ 11:30 AM

Twenty-nine

Today’s my birthday. I am twenty-nine. Getting older, yet still so young. One year down on my 30 Before 30 list and one year to go. (Check out the page at the top of my blog to see my progress).

I actually marked one more thing off my list last weekend on out weekend getaway to Chattanooga. I saw the Great Gatsby at a drive in theater. It was a lot of fun. We go there early and ate dinner at their picnic tables. Then we kicked the ball around with Leland in their big open field. Finally, we settled in for the movie and Leland slept on my chest while we watched the move lounged back in our car. I loved it!

Drive-in Movie Screen

For my birthday, Robert hosted a brunch at our house yesterday for both our families. Tonight he and Leland are taking me out to dinner and tomorrow we will celebrate with some of our friends, kid-free. I can’t remember the last time we all got together with no children around, so a kid-free dinner topped my list of birthday plans. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband who has planned such fun birthday gatherings just for me!



Leland with his cousin Trevor

This morning I got a call from my cousin (the missionary in Honduras) to wish me a happy birthday. Today is the one day of the year each year that we are the same age (her birthday is tomorrow and she is a year older than me). I only hear from her a few times a year and only see her a few times a year so it was a nice treat.

My parents also came upstairs while Leland was having breakfast. They sung me happy birthday and we all danced around the kitchen. As I hugged my dad it really sunk in that this is likely the last birthday I will have with him. It’s truly bittersweet. With no time to linger before work and school we hurried out, dancing our way to the car while my mom stood in the door way singing for Leland and I.