Perspective

There has been a lot going on lately, keeping me busy and away from blogging. I hope to update on the on-goings of life soon, but wanted to first set out some of the thoughts that relate back to my friend’s joyous announcement at my birthday dinner.

First, there is the logical, think-things-through side of me. I reasoned that I had forced her hand...put her on the spot...after all I had just offered her a margarita. And we are close friends so I wouldn’t have wanted her to lie or to hide it from me. I clung to this rationale for a while. Until I realized that Robert and I were the last to know. She had announced to everyone else (in our circle of friends) previously that week. I also discovered that she came that night with the intent to announce to us. After more thought than I ever should have given this I have concluded that some people really do not get it.

Putting aside the think-it-through, "me-focused" rationale, has given way to some perspective. I would find myself driving down that road, playing scenarios in my head - ways the announcement could have been handled better or things I could have said differently - and then my thoughts would drift to more pressing matters in my own life and in the lives of those I love. I would think about my dad and how his condition is progressing significantly; I would think about my mom who struggles each day to find the strength and courage to care for my dad; I would think about (multiple) friends of mine whose parents are fighting cancer; I would think about friends and acquaintances who have recently suffered miscarriages and failed transfers. The heartache, the loss, the worry. All overwhelming in comparison. A healthy dose of perspective.

My perspective was put to a test this past weekend. My cousin announced she is pregnant. Overall, I had a very positive response to her announcement. I’m not sure if it was the different circumstances of the announcement, the fact that I know she has had a prior loss, the fact that although younger than me she is not in my cohort and thus not someone with whom I compare myself. Either way, I am happy for her. And it feels good to be happy for her.

God Knows

The trials of infertility taught me the invaluable lesson of God’s perfect timing. The true beauty in God’s timing is how it unveils God’s perfect plan. A plan far greater and far more “perfect” than any of us could ever have imagined. A plan so perfect that when we look back on how the pieces of the plan came together it’s like small intricate puzzle pieces interlocking the pieces of our lives. When we don’t know or understand the how or the why – God knows.

God has been working in my life and the life of my family. Many of you have followed our 9 month home search saga. After months and months of searching, five failed offers, and nearly 3 months under contract going round and round with underwriting on issue after issue, we finally have our dream home. It is so much more house than we ever planned on or dreamed about. Really more house than we need for just three of us. But God knows and God plans for our needs before we even know we have a need.

About a month after we had gone under contract on the house my mother called. She was having a very overwhelming week. I don’t really talk about it much – even to others in my real life – but my dad suffers from Lewy Body Dementia. Mostly I don’t talk about it out of respect for my dad’s privacy and dignity. It has been explained to me that Lewy Body Dementia is similar to Parkinson’s Disease only the dementia comes first, followed by the motor skill problems (opposite of how Parkinson’s onsets). My mom is a nurse and is 14 years younger than my dad. She is an amazing care giver! But her job as caregiver is hard and lonely. And, in addition to caring for my dad, she has been working full time (plus call / overtime) and managing the house all alone.

When she called me that day she sounded almost hopeless – hopeless about my dad’s prognosis and progression, hopeless about her own future. It broke my heart. I just hurt for her and I cried out to God for an answer. I too saw no solution – no hope – to better her situation. So I prayed, and prayed for several days seeking an answer for God. And then, there it was, right in front of me. My parents need to move in with us. Robert and I talked about it; prayed about it. And then I spoke with my mom.

Since making the decision to move in with us, my mom has a renewed hope. Yes, she is overwhelmed with the details of packing up a home in Florida and moving back to Georgia, but she now has a light at the end of the tunnel. She won’t have to work. She will be able to care for my dad and spend time with my dad – time that I hope and pray will be a blessing to both my mom and dad.

I praise God for His omnipotent, all knowing, and perfectly executed plan. And ask for prayers for our family. Prayers for the renovations that need to be completed in our basement to accommodate them; prayers for my mom as she packs up their house; prayers for my dad’s health and prayers for our family relationships as we make the complex transition to living under one roof.

The Nephew: Part Ten (THE NEPHEW)

He is here! He was born about 4:30 PM on Wednesday, September 5^th after an induction.  

They started her induction late the night before with Certivil (or however you spell that) and then got the Petocin going on Wednesday morning. She progressed very quickly. All day I got text and phone call updates. When I would ask how she was doing, it was always that she was sleeping or very groggy. It seems that she got an epidural about 2 CM and they just kept pumping it up more and more. She also was given oral pain medication which made her very drowsy the entire time.  

I was coping alright most of the day, but when I got the text that she was 10 CM I burst into tears. Really, I am not sure why. Maybe because I wasn’t ready to deal with him actually arriving? Maybe because I was unable to dilate and had a C-section after three tough days of induction? Even processing my emotions for several days now I still don’t know why I started crying.

After I got the 10 CM text I expected his arrival very soon. But it took 2-3 hours more. She just couldn’t push him out. They had to use the vacuum 3 times to pull him out since she could not push him out. And she tore all the way back (ouch!). Apparently, after she gave birth she did not even want to hold him – neither she nor J held him until later in the evening. Everyone said she couldn’t push him out because he is so big (8 lbs 11 oz), but I think she was just too drugged up to actively push. But then again…what do I know…It’s not like I’ve given birth vaginally before.  

We went to the hospital that night to meet him. He looks like a cabbage patch doll to me – and I mean that in an endearing way. I brought H a “gift bag” with items like sanitary pads, tucks, nursing pads, etc. All the things that I figured would make her more comfortable, but that I was sure she hadn’t thought to buy or pack. Maybe not the cutest new baby gift bag, but practical none the less.

When we first arrived at the hospital the doctor still stitching H’s massive tear, so we got to watch our nephew’s first bath through the nursery window. This was special since Leland had his first bath on the same exact table in that very nursery fourteen months ago. While we were watching the bath we actually bumped into my Labor & Delivery nurse (who was in on my c-section). It was nice to see her and get to tell her just how wonderful she was to us. A short time later, they rolled H down the hall. She looked shell-shocked, like she had just witnessed (or experienced) something very traumatic.

Oh…and of course there had to be some drama. Thankfully, I was only attached to a small part of it. The major drama came when H was pushing and wanted everyone but J out of the room. My in-laws left, but J’s mother stuck around….TAKING PICTURES! Needless to say…there was lots of drama.

The minor drama followed my holding my nephew for the first time. He had been passed between several family members before I held him. When I got him he was barely wrapped in the blanket – really the blanket was just under him. His hands we cold and he just seems uneasy. So I laid him in the crib a second and swaddled him tightly before continuing to rock him. Later, when my mother-in-law asked, I showed her how I had wrapped him, using just a blanket and no baby. Apparently, I upset them and comments were made that they don’t have to do everything just exactly like Robert and I. I mean…really? Are we 5 years old? No…I guess you don’t have to have a warm baby like us…he can be cold if he wants to be?!?

Weekend Fun

Last weekend had a really nice weekend. Robert’s parents and brother came to visit for the day on Saturday and to keep Leland entertained while we cleaned and made some preparations for his (gasp!) first birthday on Saturday. They played at the house in the morning and then took him to the park in the afternoon. When the went to the park it was the first time we have ever been home without Leland there - it was very strange. We all went out to dinner and made a stop at Goodwill. We bought Leland a train table for $20 since Robert’s family all bought Leland tons and tons of trains for his birthday. Leland also found a new toy that he did not want to part with and for the bargain price of $1.71 I was happy to accommodate his first request for a toy:

Another first for the weekend…we ordered Leland his own kid’s meal. He is eating so much table food – usually from my plate – that sometimes I am finding myself hungry after dinner. So, on Saturday, he got his very first Chick-fil-a kid’s meal.

On Sunday we went to a friend’s children’s birthday party. I have to say that children’s birthday parties are a lot more fun when you have a child yourself. They had a bouncy house. At first I was hesitant to allow Leland to go in, but since there were only a handful of children at the party all about 2-4 years old I though it would be okay. Robert went in with him and they had a blast. Leland crawled, and tumbled, and fell down, and crawled some more, and chased balls, and was entirely unfazed by the bigger children jumping around him.

Picture Overload - April 2012 (and a few from February 2012)

Here are a few recent photos:

Now...a few older photos. Robert's Aunt took these back in February and I just got them this week. It's amazing how much he has grown since then.



February

From following other’s infertility journey I have noticed that it is common to dread a certain time a year as it marks one more year of trying without success; one more year without a baby. Common times seem to be birthdays, Christmas, or the anniversary of the time of year they started trying to conceive (TTC). Looking back I never really faced birthday or Christmas with dread. Not even Mother’s Day got me down because I had always seen it as a day to honor my mother, nothing more. And we don’t have a TTC anniversary because conception with Premature Ovarian Failure is practically impossible. But for some reason February has always held some power over me.

I remember around the end of 2009, telling Robert that I just had to be pregnant by February of 2011. I did not understand the deadline, but I felt very strongly about it. Going into our transfer in November 2010, I kept thinking if this isn’t successful, we have one more try to meet the February 2011 deadline. Thankful our first transfer was a success. But why February?

I have reflected on this often, and the only milestone in February is my dad’s birthday. (I don’t think Valentine’s Day would have any effect). My dad will be 70 on February 22, 2012. His physical health is good, but he is struggling with an unspecified dementia, with some indication that it may be Parkinson’s Disease. My dad is my world and my hero and I think February must have held such a power over me because I wanted my dad to be here when my children are born. My granddaddy (my dad’s dad) was an incredible man, but he died before I was born. I never wanted that for my children. I want my dad to know my children and my children to know my dad. And I am so thankful that they will have that opportunity to know one another. Still I fear that Leland may be too young to remember or really know my dad if my dad only lives a few more years.

In honor of my dad’s 70^th Birthday, I am planning a party with a sit-down lunch for about 40 people in my hometown. It’s a little overwhelming, but I am really happy to be able to do thing for my dad. Best of all I am hoping to get all four of my sisters / half-sisters and me together with my dad for this event. Only once before has my dad seen all five of his daughters together at one time. And it will be an opportunity for the three of my sister who have not yet met Leland to meet him. I’m tired from all the prep, but really looking forward to spending time with family to honor my dad.