Fear on the Edge

Lately, I admit I have let fear take hold of me. I feel like I am standing on the edge, preparing to jump and I am just plain scared.

On the eve of my anatomy scan, I have the “normal” worry about the overall health and growth of my girls. I also have the added weight and worry about the impact of NAIT (my platelet issue) on the girls. I worry that I or the doctors will make the wrong decision which could forever impact the health of one or both of these precious girls.

This worry and fear actually led me to get into a little spat with my OB at my last visit. It started as a disagreement between whether delivery should occur at 37 or 38 weeks (protocol says 37, which was my argument). He kept insisting that he would make that decision when the time comes based on the monitoring of how they are doing. The huge flaw in his argument is that there is no way to monitor “how they are doing” in regards to NAIT because there is no blood test to monitor and the only thing an ultrasound can tell us is if there has already been a bleed on the brain at which point it’s too late! I reminded him several times that there is no way to monitor them, at which point he finally snapped “well, you’re the one who decided to get pregnant” and walked out of the room.

This worry and fear for their health has also given rise to a fear of guilt. As my OB not-so-gently stated, I did decide to get pregnant even with this medical issue. I chose this for my girls. A few weeks back I was really struggling with this, wondering what mother puts her children knowingly at risk. Thankfully, I have come to a place of overwhelming peace on this front. I was driving; worrying; praying - and then God made it really clear to me. I am being obedient to Him and whatever happens is therefore His intended plan to bring glory to Him. I didn’t get reassurance that they will both “be fine” but I have been covered in God’s grace and peace. Having this weight lifted has been huge.

Yet, even when that weight lifted, I still stand in fear. Going to the doctor; standing my ground; advocating for my health and my babies health; battling wits over medical journals with professionals who are top in their fields – it’s all exhausting. And then there are the infusions. I know they will take 5-6 hours each at one per week and I know the list of possible side effects. And still there is an overwhelming fear of the unknown. This fear has me on edge; it brings me to tears. 

Please keep us is your prayers over the coming days and weeks. Our anatomy scan and follow up with the hematologist is tomorrow. My first infusion is on Thursday, September 18^th.