Prayers Needed

I’m having a hard time and I need your prayers and support. It all started Sunday morning, 5:45 a.m….

Text from X (5:45AM): are you up

Text from me (5:47AM): what’s going on (thinking, well now I’m up)

*Phone Rings*

Me: Hello?

X: Have they put the egg and sperm in you yet?

Me: What?

 X: Have they put the egg and sperm in you yet?

(We’ve been open with friends and family about being “in the process” but not about the specific dates and timeline. So at this point I am wracking my brain as to how to answer this question honestly without disclosing more than I want to disclose.)

Me: Um. Uh. Well, I’m not currently pregnant.

X: Have you paid for it yet?

Me: Um. Uh. Well. We’ve paid for some things and not others, but really we could pay for everything, over and over, and still not be pregnant. Why?

X: I need to tell you something, but you can’t tell anyone. Not Robert. Not any other family.

Me: I don’t keep secrets from Robert.

X: Okay, but you and Robert can’t tell anyone else.

Me: Okay.

X: How would you feel about an egg donated from family?

Me: Well…um…I’d have to talk to Robert. It’s never been an option so we’ve never discussed it. Are you pregnant?

X: Yes.

Initially, I think she is asking if we would be willing to adopt her baby. Of course we would consider it, but I could never answer such huge question without talking to Robert first, praying about it, etc. Certainly not sitting alone on the edge of my bathtub before 6 AM on a Sunday.

But I soon realize she is not talking about adoption. She thinks her baby could be taken out of her and put in me to carry. She thinks this may be the answer to her complicated situation. I explain to her that once the baby is snuggled in her, the baby is there for the long haul; that we don’t have the technology to retrieve a baby from one uterus and move the baby to another uterus. I also try to explain briefly how Leland was created in a lab, not in a uterus.

I steer her back towards adoption as an option. I tell her Robert and I would discuss it. I tell her even if we were not a match, I know so many people who would be thrilled to adopt her baby. I tell her we will support her.

She tells me she can’t carry because she would loose her job (which depends on her looks). She tells me that if she did carry she could never give up a child at that point. I reassure her just how brave a choice adoption is for a mom and that we would be there for her. She tells me she’s worried she can’t carry because she had an abortion two months ago and there could still be some lingering medication. I feel like this statement is an excuse to justify another abortion and I tell her the only way to know if there is an issue is to let this baby grow and if he or she continues to grow and live, then there was no effect.

She reminds me not to tell anyone - her parents were so mad about the first abortion she doesn’t want them to know she is pregnant again. She says she just can’t be pregnant. She implies another abortion is immanent. She ends the call.

I would expect to have been shaken by this call. I would expect to be angry that she carelessly – accidentally – gets pregnant. That she has one child already for which she hardly parents, leaving the child from one relative to the next. That she has one child for whom she does not know the father despite DNA testing attempts. That she throws away the privilege of motherhood and parenting. I would expect to feel indignant, jealous even.

But I don’t feel any of that. All I feel is grief and sadness. I just learned that my relative died two months ago. He or she was only a few weeks old, but he or she was intentionally killed; killed by someone I love. I just learned that I have another relative – again just a few weeks old – heart beating and helpless, who may likely be intentionally killed – murdered – any day. And I feel powerless to stop it; powerless to protect him or her from someone I love.

I am overwhelmed with sadness. I am finding the grief somewhat debilitating. After retuning from church, I spent most of yesterday in bed or sleeping on the couch. I’m nauseous and have little desire to eat anything. I’m shocked how real this grief is.

I’ve gone back any forth whether or not to post this. I worry about betraying confidence and protecting privacy. But have in the end decided to post because I need your support, guidance, and mostly your prayers. Prayers for this baby. Prayers for my relative. Prayers for me. 

Life in Bullet Points

I've been busy lately. Mostly good things. I thought I would do an update in bullet points:

• Leland had has 2 1/2 year check up. He is about 33 pounds (50%) and 36 inches (30%) though for being on a higher weight percentile than height he looks rather skinny to me. The only thing I was concerned about at the visit is that he still has one tooth that has not come in - he only has three of the four lower front teeth and I am starting to wonder if the last one will even come in or not. Interestingly, I only have three teeth of my front lower teeth (after having one surgically removed as a teen).
• I've ordered my medication for our upcoming cycle. The total is $461.34. Insurance paid for a portion of a few of the medications. The first batch will arrive April 1st. The PIO will ship in early May. 
• Leland moved up from his toddler class at the Montessori School to the primary class. For some reason this move hit me much harder than his first day in the toddler class - or even his first day of daycare. I think it marks the end of his infancy. 
• Leland also moved from his toddler bed (crib without the side) to a full sized bed. He loves it and I love that I can lay with him to read books, rub his back, and maybe even nap together!
• Potty training is going well. Lately he has 4-5 accidents per WEEK! And he is doing great with taking his own pants on and off so when accidents do happen he is proactive in changing himself. 
• Lately grieving my dad has been extra hard. I think it may have some to do with Easter (my favorite holiday) coming up soon. Also, I was really missing him this weekend when Mercer (my law school) played Tennessee on Sunday AFTER MERCER BEATING DUKE! My dad was a huge Tennessee fan and it would have been a really fun game to watch together. 
• Making grieving my dad even harder is that my mom is back in Florida. I live in our hometown, but my parents had moved to Florida when I was a freshman in college. They only came back to Georgia a year before my dad died so that they could live with us while my mom cared for my dad. She still has a house and a job in Florida. She's down there "temporarily" until she makes a decision about where she goes from here (a decision I recognize has to be really, really hard). But, she may decide to stay in Florida indefinitely. I'm really missing her lately and I'm realizing just how hard it was to have her so far away for so long - she missed so much of my young adulthood and recognizing that is hard too.  
• I'm still working to assemble my team of doctors for when/if I get pregnant. It hit me today that I've spent so much time meeting doctors and discussing "when" I am pregnant that I sometimes forget this it really is "if" I get pregnant. I've met with two obstetricians and three perinatologists - and I've narrowed it down to one of each who are both in the same practice. Tomorrow I meet with a hematologist / oncologist and if I like him I think my "team" will be complete. Well ... I may eventually need a neonatologist, but that can wait.  

So those are the main highlights. I also stay busy with lots, and lots at work. Serving on the board of trustees - and as PTO president - at Leland's school. Working with middle school youth at church. I am however working to limit things in the hopes of an upcoming pregnancy! 

Prayers for all of you who are waiting on betas! 

NEDC Mock Cycle

We’ve been home for a week since my mock appointment at the NEDC. I have been intending to post an update, but last week at work was so, so crazy. I was in court almost every day, some days being in one court in the morning and another court in the afternoon.

The NEDC appointment went wonderfully. I had forgotten how many people we meet, things we discuss, etc. The best news is that my lining was 12mm! Last time my lining was only 6mm for the mock and then (even with extra Estrogen during the protocol) it was only 5.9mm for the actually FET. So 12mm is practically a miracle!

The other good news it we are set for the May transfer cycle!

After my appointment we picked Leland and Robert’s “Mema” up from the hotel and came back to the NEDC so Dr. Keenan and Leland could meet.

Something else neat about our visit….on Saturday it was 65 degrees and on Sunday it was 75 degrees, but on Monday as we left the NEDC it was snowing! We had a beautiful “wintery mix” as we headed home from Tennessee.

Knoxville

We arrived in Knoxville on Saturday night. Our mock appointment is Monday at 9:00 a.m.

We have had a fun lazy day today. We drove through the University of Tennessee, wandered the local mall, played at a lake-side park, and swam at the hotel pool.  We were blessed with the opportunity on Saturday to visit one of my nephews who is a freshman at college just east of Knoxville. We were able to see him play lacrosse on his college team and take him to dinner.

Today, on our way back from the park, we drove past the NEDC. In that moment I was overwhelmed knowing that our four embryos - our babies - we right there, waiting. Overwhelmed, remembering that our sweet boy (the one inches away, sleeping peacefully in his car seat) once resided there, waiting for us.

Going into our last mock appointment (8.2.10) it was in many ways just one more infertility appointment. But tomorrow is so much more now that we are living the tangible realization of embryo adoption. Tomorrow I will be under the same roof as our four precious little ones. The magnitude of this is overwhelming in the best way possible.

It's here!

My period finally arrived. Praise God that it is here in time and that we have such a loving and caring God to answer such a little prayer in the grand scheme of this world. Thank you to my prayer warriors - having your support means so much.

So tomorrow I meet with a new OB/GYN who I hope will be "the one" and in 15 days I have my mock transfer at the NEDC!

Preping for My Mock Cycle .... or Not

We are counting down the days till out mock transfer at the NEDC. I should be getting excited. And I was. But, now...I'm stressing!

*** This is your warning that the rest of the post is period related and may contain TMI***

To prep for the mock cycle you take Estrogen from day 1 of your cycle up until the appointment at the NEDC. You start taking Estrogen on the first full day of bleeding. Only problem is that it has been 5 days since I came off of the Provera and I still haven't had any "red" bleeding. It's all been heavy brown spotting.

Thinking back, I did have about 4-5 days of light red bleeding a few weeks ago and since I've only been "inducing a bleed" (getting my period) every four months for the past two years or so I am now worrying that the bleeding a few weeks ago was my period and that now all I have is a little old blood. Totally stressing!!!

I did call the nurse and talked it through with her today. She was really nice and reassuring. But said if I don't get bright red bleeding by Tuesday I shouldn't bother with the Estrogen and I will have to do a mock cycle at my home clinic in addition to the NEDC appointment. She was nice and calm, but I'm still really stressing. I see this as possibly delaying my transfer day; as more money; more days off from work as my home clinic is over two hours away.

So with this I am asking for your prayers. Prayers that my period starts ASAP. And prayers for me to trust in God's timing and provision.

Infertility Timing

I've once again entered the world of "infertility timing". You know the thoughts...

"If we take that trip in July ... and have successful May transfer .... can I manage the trip 12 (no maybe 13) weeks pregnant?...but if we need to transfer in July....would the trip interfere?"

"Let's sign up for that event in September. No wait....if we need to transfer in September...wouldn't that be about the time of the transfer?"

"Should I make those plans for June...but if I do who would give my shots assuming I get pregnant in May?...or what if I have a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage around then - would I be up to going"

"Should I fly or drive to the conference in July...wait...does the conference overlap with the July transfer dates...but then again maybe I'll be pregnant...and then would driving be too hard?"

"Let's plan a vacation for later this year....repeat all concerns listed above...Will the vacation conflict with a transfer.... Will I be too pregnant (positive thinking) by then to travel?"

I'm having to once again refocus myself on God's timing; having to resist the urge to plan way into the future; and having to accept that even when I do make plans, it's okay if they have to be changed. Repeat...reaffirm..."it is okay!"