Prayers Needed

I’m having a hard time and I need your prayers and support. It all started Sunday morning, 5:45 a.m….

Text from X (5:45AM): are you up

Text from me (5:47AM): what’s going on (thinking, well now I’m up)

*Phone Rings*

Me: Hello?

X: Have they put the egg and sperm in you yet?

Me: What?

 X: Have they put the egg and sperm in you yet?

(We’ve been open with friends and family about being “in the process” but not about the specific dates and timeline. So at this point I am wracking my brain as to how to answer this question honestly without disclosing more than I want to disclose.)

Me: Um. Uh. Well, I’m not currently pregnant.

X: Have you paid for it yet?

Me: Um. Uh. Well. We’ve paid for some things and not others, but really we could pay for everything, over and over, and still not be pregnant. Why?

X: I need to tell you something, but you can’t tell anyone. Not Robert. Not any other family.

Me: I don’t keep secrets from Robert.

X: Okay, but you and Robert can’t tell anyone else.

Me: Okay.

X: How would you feel about an egg donated from family?

Me: Well…um…I’d have to talk to Robert. It’s never been an option so we’ve never discussed it. Are you pregnant?

X: Yes.

Initially, I think she is asking if we would be willing to adopt her baby. Of course we would consider it, but I could never answer such huge question without talking to Robert first, praying about it, etc. Certainly not sitting alone on the edge of my bathtub before 6 AM on a Sunday.

But I soon realize she is not talking about adoption. She thinks her baby could be taken out of her and put in me to carry. She thinks this may be the answer to her complicated situation. I explain to her that once the baby is snuggled in her, the baby is there for the long haul; that we don’t have the technology to retrieve a baby from one uterus and move the baby to another uterus. I also try to explain briefly how Leland was created in a lab, not in a uterus.

I steer her back towards adoption as an option. I tell her Robert and I would discuss it. I tell her even if we were not a match, I know so many people who would be thrilled to adopt her baby. I tell her we will support her.

She tells me she can’t carry because she would loose her job (which depends on her looks). She tells me that if she did carry she could never give up a child at that point. I reassure her just how brave a choice adoption is for a mom and that we would be there for her. She tells me she’s worried she can’t carry because she had an abortion two months ago and there could still be some lingering medication. I feel like this statement is an excuse to justify another abortion and I tell her the only way to know if there is an issue is to let this baby grow and if he or she continues to grow and live, then there was no effect.

She reminds me not to tell anyone - her parents were so mad about the first abortion she doesn’t want them to know she is pregnant again. She says she just can’t be pregnant. She implies another abortion is immanent. She ends the call.

I would expect to have been shaken by this call. I would expect to be angry that she carelessly – accidentally – gets pregnant. That she has one child already for which she hardly parents, leaving the child from one relative to the next. That she has one child for whom she does not know the father despite DNA testing attempts. That she throws away the privilege of motherhood and parenting. I would expect to feel indignant, jealous even.

But I don’t feel any of that. All I feel is grief and sadness. I just learned that my relative died two months ago. He or she was only a few weeks old, but he or she was intentionally killed; killed by someone I love. I just learned that I have another relative – again just a few weeks old – heart beating and helpless, who may likely be intentionally killed – murdered – any day. And I feel powerless to stop it; powerless to protect him or her from someone I love.

I am overwhelmed with sadness. I am finding the grief somewhat debilitating. After retuning from church, I spent most of yesterday in bed or sleeping on the couch. I’m nauseous and have little desire to eat anything. I’m shocked how real this grief is.

I’ve gone back any forth whether or not to post this. I worry about betraying confidence and protecting privacy. But have in the end decided to post because I need your support, guidance, and mostly your prayers. Prayers for this baby. Prayers for my relative. Prayers for me.