I've been meaning to post. Wanting to update you all. Wanting to find an outlet for my emotions, but there seems to be no time. How is it that I am only present for two feedings a day and yet I am completely worn out. We travel 80 miles round trip everyday. There are no resources to help us stay closer. I've considered hotels, but in the city they are $200+ per night. And there is Leland to consider. Plus traveling (especially walking) between a hotel and the hospital after dark in that part of town is not really safe.
I start my day getting Leland out to school. Then stop back by the house to pump one more time before making the trip (Robert or other family have been driving me), arriving around 10:30 am. I nurse them from 11am-noon. Get lunch. Nurse from 2pm-3pm. Pump around 3-3:30pm. I also squeeze in some snuggle time with the girls and sit in for rounds with the medical team. I try to leave by 4:00pm to get Leland from school by 5:30pm. I am pumping 6-7 times per day in addition to the two nursing sessions with the girls.
The girls are doing well. We are down to just mastering eating. They are in open cribs with no resperitory support or IV needed. Vitals and temps are good. I'm feeling lots of frustration with the system - a very maternal "I can do it better than you!!!" I know that no one - not even me - can make them handle more than they are ready to, but I often feel they are not being given the chance to succeed. Like tonight when I called to check on them and asked about their 8pm feeding. (They have orders to do bottle feedings every time if they wake up and want it). The nurse said "Elizabeth took her whole feeding by bottle. Charlotte wanted to but I'll bottle feed her next time." I wanted to jump through the phone screaming "why won't you feed her so she can come home!"
Being away from the girls is so hard. Leland still can't see them. This morning he was trying to measure himself with a tape measure. I offered to help, noting he was now 38.5 inches. He said, "am I bigger?" I confirmed he is bigger. "Can I see my sisters now?" My heart broke - my face said it all - he walked away before I could even muster a verbal response.
Tomorrow night we will be staying over night in one of only four overnight family rooms (twin bed with an attached bath). This is a huge deal because these are typically in use by one of the 40 other families. They are wanting to give us the chance to practice bottle feeding without me having to switch my nursing sessions to bottle feeds. I'm excited to he able to spend 30+ hours straight with the girls. Robert on the other hand feels like we are under inspection as to whether or not we are capable of caring for our children and is worried about how we could possibly get any sleep on a twin bed while I am still recovering from my c section. I assure him that we are in fact under a microscope, but that's just one more stressful aspect of this whole ordeal.
Please lift us up in prayer as we work to get our girls home!
5 comments:
Life in the NICU with twins is hard. We also traveled about 70 miles round trip to see the girls and I remember having many of the feelings you are experiencing. You have to keep reminded yourself that this is only a temporary situation.
Oh, Lara, I remember those feelings so well! We were only a 15-minute drive away, but everything else sounds exactly like what I went through.
Yes, you can do things better than the nurses. The big condition for C to come home was that she had to take 75% of her food by mouth for 24-48 hours. The first time she took an entire feeding by mouth, it was with me. But I think, once that happened & the nurses saw she could do it, they maybe tried a little harder at future feeds.
You will feel like you are getting nowhere, and then all of a sudden it'll all click and they'll get the hang of it and be on their way home. The nurses told me that every day, and it was true.
Look at those sweet girls. I'm sorry you're still apart. I can't imagine this struggle. I just really hope you can all be home together soon!
So many prayers for you! Such a blessing that the girls are here, but it's horrible that you can't bring them home yet. And especially that Leland can't see them!
So many prayers for you and your family! God is good!
In all things God works for the good of those who love him. Romans 8:28
Feeling for you in so many ways. So many things tugging and pulling at you while you are still healing from their deliveries. Hang in.
I do know that you sometimes have to make your wishes expressly known (that it isn't acceptable to you that both girls aren't given the chance to feed when they want to).
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